Because I don't have it in me to share with someone in my life, I'll anonymously share.

When I was 19 I had a miscarriage and it took me a long time to heal I even developed vulvodynia, something I learnt about years later because the experience scared me from sex. Healing was hard, especially after my then boyfriend left me to deal with the loss alone and even said, 'look at it as a good thing'. I told my best friend about it, but she did not believe I was ever pregnant so I never brought it up.

The whole of last month my boobs were sore and heavy so I assumed they were just growing since I've been in this tiny body way too long. Before that I'd been gaining weight and eating more.

Well a few days ago my boobs stopped paining and feeling heavy and I just knew. I'm on my period now, the cramps were bad and I can see it's not my usual period, but I'm trying to be okay. I haven't told my best friend because I can't find it in me to do so. I also can't tell my second best friend because I feel like this time I should just keep this to myself. Maybe if my boobs hurt now like they used to every cycle, I would not notice.

I was in the salon and saw how different my hair was, the past two months my hair was so full of life but it was not the same yesterday. It was even falling off and my hairstylist was getting too scared to continue. I did not want to cry in a stranger's chair. I did not even want to look in the mirror.

I remember how it started. Two weeks prior I had this unexplainable abdomen pain and I was on the toilet for hours. I assumed it was all the chili food I ate. Then it stopped after two days.

How over the past weeks my sweatpants waistband was tight and how I could see my stomach through my clothes.

I guess next week my pants will fit.

I haven't told my partner because how do you tell someone you've broken up with that the baby was here but now the baby is gone?

I was just getting my confidence back, sex was getting easier.

May I know peace.

It's been 7 years and I never thought I'd go back to where I was at 19.