I was not a good girl. I lost my virginity at 13 in 8th grade by my own choice to a random senior at the time. I am not blaming anyone for that. It was totally my choice and I went looking for it because I just wanted to know what it was like. That wasn’t good but I was determined to try again. By the end of 8th grade year I slept with a lot of guys and it was good and I enjoyed it and word got around in the small town. At first I felt special because I could get older guys to have sex with me it made me feel pretty and popular and I enjoyed the sex. But then when word got around too much it became horrible because all the girls wouldn’t be my friend because I was a slut and the guys stopped seeing me even in secret because they didn’t want to alienate the good girls and older girls who they wanted to actually date. Even the guys who had met up with me would deny it. By then I had already been with probably 25 guys. I was sad and depressed and in a major depression during the summer between 8th-9th grade. My mom was clueless and mostly always drunk or high anyway and out a lot at night and working all day. Then my cousin, my moms brothers son came to stay with us for the summer to get ready for college because he lived out of state. I was 14 he was 18 and he treated me so nice and before long I started fooling around with him. I knew it was wrong but it made me feel better at the time. I didn’t have really any friends, my mom was in her own world with my step dad who I hated and was scared of. And my cousin was the only one who showed me any kindness and affection and was the first person who made me feel that it was ok to be a girl and like sex. So it continued until summer was almost over and my stepdad came home early one day and caught us in the living room. The abbreviated version is he made us keep going and forced his way into joining by threatening to tell my mom and uncle. A couple weeks after that my cousin moved to the dorms and didn’t come around much at all but my stepdad continued to make me have sex with him. Threatening to tell still and also say I seduced him. It went on for the next few years until I graduated and moved out. He would even force me to have sex with some of his friends then it became other random men who paid him to be with me. Sometimes one on one and sometimes a lot of them at once. He took pictures and videos and always made sure I was the only one who could be identified. The worst part is I hated myself for a long time because he would constantly tell me that he could tell I had orgasms and enjoyed it and I was so scared and confused at how he could tell because the truth is I did orgasm most of the time and I did enjoy a lot of the actual sex. It took me a very long time to realize that I still felt violated because even though on some sexual level I enjoyed it in a physical way I wasn’t doing it by choice and I was terrified of him both of him telling and physically scared of him. But he always convinced me I wanted it and didn’t realize it. That he was really helping me by allowing me to be a woman instead of a teenager and get what I wanted. I’m 32 now and I’m still messed up and can’t have a normal relationship because of it. I always seek out more men and make bad choices that destroy anything close to a relationship