It has been 6 months since the birth but I still find myself awake at night thinking about it.

I was robbed of a positive birth TWICE. Once by the hospital, second, partially the hospital but ultimately my husband as he missed the birth. Because he didn’t fight for us. He just didn’t, he only saw our child 2 days after baby was born.

I never thought that I’m going to be that traumatised but I was alone. From being hospitalised till going home, I was alone. I could never forget how this feels and it has made me stay up late every night thinking and living in it. I have no one to advocate for me, I had my water broken without my consent, almost threatened into a cesarean, cord cut without delay and i didn’t even get to cut it myself and i also had my placenta thrown away without even getting a chance to see it. Not sure if i hate him but typing this reminded me that he “killed” me, I felt so betrayed because he didn’t pay attention or listen to me for years and years leading up to this. He told me I didn’t fight hard enough he said to me that it was my fault because I didn’t tell him not to go despite me asking. He told me it was impossible and he have to go for the trip. But he actually didn’t have to? He just didn’t want to trouble his colleagues and he told me he didn’t think that he needed to be there. He was enjoying his work trip while I was alone in pain and afraid. I called him but I feel like he didn’t want to talk to me for long. I laboured for 3 days while he celebrated with his colleagues. Getting drunk and having so much fun. It sucks knowing that he’ll look back at those days as the best time of his life and I cry and cry thinking about it although I should celebrate the birth of my loveliest little baby. I could’ve been the happiest person alive that day and I thought it’ll be my healing birth because everything sort of went right (didn’t want to think of more) but instead I was so traumatised.

Somedays I wish I never met him. Maybe I would’ve been happier. I know I deserve better but I was way too young when I got into a relationship with him and I wish I never did sometimes.

Forgot to mention that he missed the birth of both our children 💔