TW: MENTAL HEALTH, DRUGS, ALCOHOL, SUICIDAL IDEATION

Bit of a read so if you get to the bottom, thank you for taking the time to read it

Just as the title says, I feel trapped in my own life, I'm almost 23 and I'm nowhere where I wanted to be in life, I live in a caravan with my partner and we've been living in it for the last 6 years so far (we've been together 8 years and I was dumped at his house literally by my own mother 6 months into our relationship because she is a physco (long story short one of her exes raped me when he was with my mum and when I finally told her she broke up with him, blamed me a few months later for the breakup, and then got jealous when I found my partner 4 years later and our relationship was going so well and throughout those 4 years she couldn't keep a boyfriend because she was constantly cheating on them) so fast tracked to now basically, I'm still mentally messed up from everything my mum put me through and continued to put me through after I was kicked out and because of all that I developed a drug addiction (weed) and when I hit 18 I developed a drinking problem.

Now I'm almost 23, I have no money saved up at all, I don't have my licence because I have severe anxiety, I can't do anything for my partner in the way of helping him (he also has a few mental illnesses) because I feel like I do more bad then good to him and his mental health even though he tells me daily I'm the only reason he still wakes up in the morning and still comes home everyday, we found out in July last year that I was gonna have twins, and so we felt like we had motivation to quit but miscarried and 3 months later I was pregnant again, sadly I had another miscarriage and since then I have just gone even further downhill.

I'm struggling to get a job again because I live in a tiny town and no ones hiring (it took me four years just to get a job at McDonald's and then I had to leave after 3 years due to needing surgery) I just feel so stuck while everyone around me moves forward with their lives, my partner is also struggling with addictions (just weed and alcohol like myself) but he has a job, has a car, has money, he's on top of his life but because of me I feel like I'm holding him back.

We both don't want to lose each other but I know one day he's just going to wake up and realise that I'm no good for him and that he's better off without me but I can't bear the thought of losing him and it's somewhat selfish because he deserves better but I don't want to leave him, not after the hell we had to endure just to be together