Does anyone else feel this way?

I don’t think I’ve ever been happy. There have been moments and periods in my life where I’ve felt joy, or excitement and contentment. But, they always fade and as a default I either feel blank or sad. I’ve felt this way since I was a kid. If you look back through pictures of me, I’ve never smiled. I remember when I was 11 my mom called me ‘morose’. As a kid, my siblings called me Eeyore, the little blue donkey from Winnie the Pooh. I distinctly remember my older cousin saying I reminded him of Wednesday Addams, and this was way back in 2016.

I’m just so tired of feeling like this. I’ve began to unravel some things in therapy. Things like perfectionism, hyper self reliance, and fears or rejection. Yet even in therapy, I feel like there’s a wall up.

Sometimes I feel like a passive participant in my life. Like I do things because I’m supposed to, and that my life is just happening to me. I feel guilty for feeling sad because there’s nothing really *wrong* with my life; I think I’m pretty attractive, I’m finishing my masters degree with honors in a month and I have a job lined up that starts me off at 97k. I have good friends, and good health. I have two really cute cats that I love so much. I hate myself for this not being enough to the sadness go away.

I just for the life of me feel so disconnected from everything and everyone. And I ALWAYS have. Sometimes days go by and I don’t register them. I feel like I’m losing my mind. Things used to be tolerable but now they’re just worse and I don’t understand why I felt this way for so long and I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t know how to be happy. I try SO hard to accomplish things, and do things, and try new experiences, and be around people who say they care about me, but at the end of the day I’m always sad.