I don’t even know how to feel…

My body has never worked right for me. I’ve always been irregular. Always been overweight. Right after I got married at 32 my family had this huge falling out and I went into a long deep depression. I gained nearly 80lbs in a year. When I saw the gyno, only thing she did was hand me a pamphlet on weight loss surgery when I said I wanted to start a family. This only further spiraled me into a depression. I went to a fertility specialist who said he couldn’t help me until I shedded “x” amount of weight. The depression worsened. Fast forward 7 years and I just turned 40. I worked my way out of my depression and Finally got a new gyno. Met with her this week, going to do a round of tests. Explained my past woes and history. I have never been pregnant. I had the conversations of “if I ever had a kid…” , etc. but not one doctor could ever tell me if I was able to conceive or able to try or even brought up egg storage and the importance of having younger eggs.

So talking with my new doctor I say how I would like to explore my options, etc. She went over the statistics. The weight gain that I’ve held onto had me recently diagnosed with Type 2 and high blood pressure. Obviously I know the risks of carrying a child while where I’m at is extremely risky to me and a baby. My husband and I are working on taking back our health. He’s lost 40 some lbs and I’ve lost 35 so far. However, the new doctor felt I still should look into surgery. I explained my health is number one. I’m not doing surgery bc the risk of gaining weight back are too high. Cutting my intestines and stomach out are not going to solve my issues. She said if I did that route I couldn’t even try to conceive into 18 months after surgery. I’m not willing go through surgery like that. Baby or no baby. I cried telling my story to her. But when she left the room I lost it. I sat there in the table sobbing for the first time in the longest time. I slowly changed back into my clothes. Took a look in the mirror and was actually grateful for the mask policy and the fact that I had my sunglasses to cover up my crying eyes. I made it to my car where I broke down again. I was supposed to go back to work but I just drove home. Ignored the fact my Husband was out back with my dogs, got in my pjs, closed the curtains, got in bed, and buried myself in my covers. Eventually my husband comforted me as I sobbed in his arms. He deserves to be a father. He’s the best dog dad and the best uncle. He has supported me every step of the way.

We love vacationing together my mom loves to say maybe having no kids is a good thing. I get where she is coming from, but this is also a women who spit out 4 kids, had always had her period like clockwork, and now has grandkids to spoil. So easy to say. She never struggled to conceive.

I’m sorry for the long post but sometimes posting to people you don’t know, but are going through the same thing just helps puts things into perspective. Am I crazy for trying? Is it even worth the battle? How do you handle the stress?

Looking for any comfort or advice.

Thanks!

Stephanie