Hi,

Edit: title has been changed from ‘advice needed’ to the above as it’s such a classic topic, it might help someone.

So long story short, I’m the one who f***ed up recently (been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend for almost 4 years) - I kissed someone a friend introduced me to whilst I was on a solo trip and we went as far as making out and getting naked but not penetrative sex (I know it’s cheating, just being thorough here). It’s the first time I’ve done this (28F) and was quite surprised at myself, I think there must be underlying issues like boredom/anger at things unrelated to my relationship like recovering from a toxic workplace… but I still don’t excuse myself. I spent the rest of the trip feeling depressed about it and thinking I was the worst person ever. The ironic thing is I was always being the paranoid one and being passive aggressive if he happened to make some new female friends etc. There is one time when he went to a music festival that involved camping with his guy friend’s girlfriend and he didn’t invite me, nor did the guy friend come - his excuse was ‘didn’t think it’s your scene’… I considered this to be emotional cheating retrospectively, esp. as the girl broke up with her bf several months later (but maybe that’s not related and she already knew they were going to separate).

That being said, after asking some girlfriends - I’m trying to figure out whether I want to stay with my boyfriend or not - mainly because we got together just before covid, and whilst I love him very much, I felt like the relationship worked whilst in the bubble of a worldwide pandemic… it’s managed to work so far whilst we both returned to our office jobs etc but as he is was the one to mention ‘well the next logical stage would be to get engaged… but let’s do that next year, let’s book a flight on my birthday’ (he says this normally when he is drunk) etc I think my brain also subconsciously panicked. I think everyone who is even thinking of getting married should go to a couple’s therapist *before* they get married - but not sure if I should even mention what happened with this one guy (who I have no emotional bond to, it was more out of impulse/lashing out).

We also want to move overseas together eventually but we are in different industries and knowing that I have more active connections in the region we are targeting (which I’m willing to share with him) I know that it will happen sooner for me than for him (he works in a huge cooperate so has to compete, whilst I work in a word of mouth industry). On one hand I need to figure out whether we should even stay together (and perhaps he will make a decision for me if I tell him), on another hand perhaps I should see how feasible me moving overseas is and how soon, given that there is no point in telling him that I cheated if we’re going to break up anyway because of life pulling us in different directions. The hard part is that I still love him, and he is the best person I have ever met and my family love him too which is rare.