I thought we had a good relationship

Where do I start! It all started when my 4 year old was in the living room with her grandma and I was downstairs talking to my husband. L.O wanted her dirty nose cleaned and asked my mom to please clean it up for her. My mom told me she refused to do it because she’s old enough to do it herself. And I heard my mom scolding her to do it herself and she shouldn’t come to her only when she needs something.

I can understand a 4 yr old can do it herself but no reason for my mom to act like a 4 yr old herself.

Then she tells me it’s my fault for my daughters bad attitude and disrespect towards her because I’m not discipling enough and spoiling too much. But the fact that my mom never initiates to come see my children for months at a time seems not to be a major factor even though we live 20 min. Away.

Yes, my daughter most of the time gives her the cold shoulder but because my mom is aggressive with hugs and kisses, doesn’t communicate with her, doesn’t play. She has made a habit to laugh out loud when my daughter cries or says something. She says she loves her but I told she doesn’t show it. My mom takes no responsibility other than making all the excuses and others are at fault for her shortcomings. She tells my my child has problems, is manipulative and conniving that I need her to educate to act nice. I said to her, she clearly doesn’t know how to handle small children so I’m not even go to argue with her.

I even thought we had a good relationship until she tells me we have a problem relationship. I really think my mom makes problems where there are none and throws tantrums like a toddler. I’m exhausted for making my unhappy mom happy. She did say she has her own issues to deal with but it seems like even small children need to be made only so they can cater to her. I don’t think I’m spoiling my my daughter, but I do tell her to be direct to people if she doesn’t like something. A boundary my mom doesn’t accept because she expects to be treated like a grandmother, with love hugs and a big smile.

It drowns my emotionally