When the child you grew in your belly doesn't love you....

The last 11 years of my life have been horrible and intense. I lost my oldest daughter 11 years ago. She was assaulted and killed by her biological father. I broke down and went crazy. My son was 3 at the time and I ended up in a mental health hospital after trying to commit suicide. My son's dad took him and the next 11 years I was in and out of mental health hospitals and rehab. I'm 3 years sober and have been clean from self harm for 2 years. I'm medicated and doing well. I went to see my son for the first time in years. I know a lot has changed in his life since that. His dad says he was diagnosed with autism and ocd. When I saw him I tried to hug him but he said no so I respected that. I tried to have a conversation with him but he wanted to play with his Legos instead. He didn't want to talk to him. I grew 2 children in my stomach. One I lost and the other I feel like I already lost. I never thought that one day the babies I worked so hard to grow. Who I figured would always have a special connection with me, one I would lose at such a young age and the other would no longer have a bond with me