PPD and PPA ruining everything

I don’t know the point in this post… I guess I’m just ranting but if you relate or have advice feel free to comment.

My ppd and ppa is soo consuming at the moment. I’m becoming the mum I never wanted to be. Either angry or disengaged. My anger doesn’t lead me to shout or anything it just makes me want to ignore my son and that’s so wrong. I absolutely love him with all my heart to the point where every little thing he does gives me anxiety and I don’t like people helping out with him because I can’t be apart from him but he sleeps soo soo bad and that’s wearing on me now.

Then with my partner I just hate him- nothing he ever does is good enough and I’d wish he’d leave me alone. His family to. I can’t justify it, I’m a bitch. I just ignore him now because I will start a fight if we talk. He annoys me soo much. I feel like he doesn’t get me, I try talk about how I feel and all he can say is it’s fine??

I just want to run away. When will it get better? I don’t want to take medication because I’m breastfeeding and I’m paranoid