My boyfriend put his hands on me for the first time, we were in a heated argument and I told him to get out of my apartment. He kept calling me crazy and I was screaming at him to get out. I initiated the argument and honestly lost my temper and my anger went 0-100. I didn’t hit him I just kept yelling to get out.

He lunged at me, grabbed my hair and shoved me down on the bed. I ran out of the room and he tried taking my phone away and when I grabbed it out of his hands he grabbed my hair again, threw me to the ground and kicked me in the face. He kicked me in the ribs and kept pulling my hair. He grabbed my face and shook me and then grabbed me and threw me to the ground. Every time I ran to the door he blocked me and tackled me. It took me 20 minutes to finally get out the door and run away.

I feel like I pushed him by the way I started screaming and instigating the argument.

He has never put his hands on me before but a few months ago he did throw a full cup of Dunkin’ Donuts iced coffee at my face. He threw it so hard the lid cracked from hitting my face.

I know this is abuse, but why do I feel guilty and trying f to justify it? The next day he brought me flowers and asked to take me to dinner. He brought me groceries and asked if I needed any medicine to help my anxiety. I feel confused and overwhelmed.