well, hate’s a strong word but i do feel some kind of negative about it. anywhere from embarrassed to straight ashamed and guilty, and i don’t know why this is happening now

i just got to my 30s and never had sex or even really dated, for a whole bunch of reasons. i didn’t have much of a sexuality when i was younger. i’d say it was probably within the last two or so years i’ve started really noticing it. now that i have it makes me all around uncomfortable. i guess i never saw myself as a sexual person, so being turned on feels like it doesn’t “fit me” if that makes sense. it used to be so infrequent that being horny was just something i figured my body doesn’t do. it’s one reason i feel apprehensive of dating too. it already feels kind of shameful but if i’m around someone i find attractive at the same time it’s worse. like i’m a creep. masturbating feels like “giving in,” i’ve thought about buying a sex toy but the thought of using it makes me feel stupid, i would bring it up to my therapist but i know she’d just tell me there’s no reason for me to think like this. even i know that, but it’s like it doesn’t help. i’m not sure what’s going on and why it’s happening but it’s a harder spiral to get out of than i thought