I’m just sad

I’m 43 today, 44 in December. Never been pregnant. Been married to my man of God for seven and half years. He had a vasectomy during his first marriage. He has an 18 year-old daughter from first marriage. We adopted our son. I have been prophesied over that we would have biological children. Hasn’t happened. Have not had a reversal. We both agreed that God would have to make a way - basically restore his vas deferens and heal the vasectomy. I’m about 150 pounds overweight, now. I wasn’t that much when I got married. Probably 100 pounds overweight.

We moved from our hometown where we met and married, and both of our families still live there. We both felt God calling us to move to Washington state. I had asked God to have a specific person tell me, we would have a bio baby, if we were to move to Washington. That person did indeed tell me we would have a bio baby and we have moved to Washington. That was a year and a half ago. Still no baby.

Now, my flow is starting to change. When I ovulate on my right side, it’s significantly lighter than on my left side, which leads me to believe that I no longer have any eggs in my right ovary.

I am freaking out. Now, I have so many regrets. The biggest one, I should have just gotten pregnant before I got married. Had a baby in my 20s like everyone else. Maybe I would have still met my husband. I don’t know. I regret that I didn’t go to the college I really wanted to, that’s where my husband went as well. We may have, probably met sooner. It was a smaller school.

I regret not taking charge of my life and learning to love myself before now.

I know I have to forgive myself, but HOW do I do that when all I have ever wanted is to have a biological baby, since I was a little girl. I come from a good southern family. I was virgin when I got married. I was raised that you don’t have kids until you get married. But I also saw that children who didn’t come from a loving two parent home, were really not set up for success as those children who did come from a loving two parent home. That’s just how I was raised and how I desired to raise my children.

Truly no judgement to the single moms. I know that sounds judgmental, but it’s not. Nothing but MAD RESPECT to single moms. Y’all are the real heroes!!!

But now, man, I’m just so sad. How do I forgive myself, move on, and allow God to be God.

Truly, in the natural it’s too late for me. But God is my only hope now.

Thank you for letting me ramble, rant, and share regret.