EDITED THIS TO GIVE A LITTLE MORE CONTEXT TOO. thank you to those who've commented...

I guess I'm writing this because I need to get it all out, somewhere. Where I'm safe from those around me and their opinions. And in hopes someone knows what this is like and can share their stories....

I'm scared.. I'm 30, I've only been in hetro relationships (I'm female) and they have all started out lovely but then turnedbtoxic, abusive and controlling. I've always found women attractive but brushed it off as "I wish I looked like that". But I think it's more than that..

I have two children, split with my (male) partner at the start of this year and it's been toxic and has heavily impacted my mental health because of his actions. He's trying to convince me to get back with him but I can't. My children need me, they come first and I'm unhappy with him. They don't want me with him either.

I know I've been an idiot, we've slept together since we split, a few times. But something's not right. It hasn't been even before we split. I don't enjoy it. I enjoy things by myself but ... Not with him. I started dating again and met a lovely guy, several proper dates (which I'd never had before) and when it came to kissing, sex, something just wasn't right. He's a genuinely lovely guy and we have stayed friends but... He did nothing wrong so why was I not into it?

Lately I've found myself even more attracted to women and I'm finding it kinda hard to get my head round. The impact it'll have on those around me. I'm pretty sure I'd lose a large number of people in my life. How do I figure this out? He tries to kiss me or get sexual and I cry. I don't like it I don't want it. Is it just trauma from guys constantly being abusive or have I just been in denial about my sexuality all this time? I've been speaking to a woman I know, she's gorgeous. She knows where my head is at right now and is happy to help me figure it out..with her. No pressure, and if I'm not ok or unsure, it stops. I want to, but I'm scared.

Has anyone ever been through something similar?

Edited: I did start speaking to a woman several years ago and went on a few dates and genuinely really liked her. I was just so unsure and worried about everyone else's reaction that it held me back. I find women more gentle and affectionate I guess, and i'm a very affectionate and loving person myself. A few of you mentioned relationship/sexually and I've thought of being with a woman in a relationship, not just sexually.

You guys also mentioned therapy/counselling and I've been through therapy for years and talked about how I've felt and still feeling and I think for me, I'm not sure it even matters to me whether man, woman or how they identify. If I have a connection with someone, then I have an connection with them.

Thank you guys so much. I've spoken to two very close and trusted friends (one male one female) and they've been super supportive and told me they'll support me in finding myself both personally and in my (as they jokingly put it) "quest for discovering my sexuality". Haha. We have a really close and positive open friendship with eachother and jokes and lightheartedness when were trying to have a serious conversation so it never feels quite so intense, so they weren't taking the Mick, I promise! :) it just helps me not feel so overwhelmed.

Again, any further advice/ those who've found themselves in a similar situation, I really appreciate you reaching out x