Hi! This is going to be a long one, but I wanted to share to maybe help someone going through similar and just to talk about the crazy 9 months I’ve had.

~TW: SA, Illicit Drugs ~

My journey starts in February.I was a 17 year old with a fake ID and I was out with friends clubbing and met a guy who I thought was friendly, but after having two drinks bought by him I was completely gone past any normal form of being drunk as he had spiked me with ecstasy and cocaine. Till this day I don’t exactly remember the events verbatim, and there’s areas that are completely just blank, but I woke up extremely sore covered in blood in a random apartment alone. I thankfully was able to hitchhike my way to a friends house, before taking myself to my local hospital to do a rape kit.

After choosing not to report the crime, I thought that was it dealt with and I could try to heal and move forward. But March time I noticed my period was slightly late and shorter. I ignored my gut instinct and managed to explain it away. In the mean time I was coping with things by drinking and partying excessively.

It wouldn’t be until April that I started having the classic pregnancy symptoms, nausea, constant fatigue, change in appetite and food preferences etc. But I still found a way to explain away my symptoms. Later on that month I even ended up fainting at work twice. Meanwhile mentally I was also falling into the blues, aside from work and the days I was able to be forced into school all I did was sit in my bed all day, with my blinds closed and cry having anything on my tv for noise to mask my crying. That month I experienced bleeding for around two days and took that as my period, although deep in the back of my mind I started to suspect I was pregnant.

May through July, mentally things started to look up, and I had sat my final exams for school and was officially done. I celebrated graduation and my 18th birthday and was genuinely happier but I was in complete denial of what happened to me and refused to even Acknowledge the month of February, let alone it’s potential consequences although I still had a gut feeling deep down I was pregnant. I was not showing in the slightest.

August time rolled around and my gut began to scream at me, so I went for an ultrasound once and for all to see. I was 27 weeks when I found out. I didn’t find out gender or even see the ultrasound monitor, just simply was told how far long I was. I was too terrified of all the implications that came with being pregnant in general and my circumstances so I didn’t tell anyone, not even a friend. I eventually came to the conclusion I’d just put the baby up for adoption and forget about all of this.

September time I started having extremely bad swelling in my feet, legs and hands along with waking up with headaches and I struggled with not being able to just eat three regular sized meals a day. I was also going to a full time course which didn’t help with my feet swelling. But I pushed through it all and just told myself it would be over soon. I still was not showing to the untrained eye, only after large meals I would get a very small bump only visible from when I turned to the side.

October rolled around and I had the same swelling and headaches along with dizziness and fatigue, and I still was barely showing. I continued to push through. My mum had left for holidays as well which made me less stressed. On October 26th in the early hours, I had a small gush of liquid come out of me, and I explained it away as my mucous plug (my due date was November 9th) and went back to bed. At exactly 2:30am I started feeling a pain in my back that would irregularly come and go, I convinced myself it was Braxton hicks contractions, but I still did keep track of them. These pains went on the full night and by 7am, they were exactly 5 minutes apart. At this point they were extremely painful as well and at this point I packed some clothes as I started to think it was either labour or a complication. I pushed through the unbearable pain until 11am and brought myself to A&E. luck was on my side and I was only waiting for 30-40 minutes before being checked. I explained my situation and the doctor took my blood pressure before sending me to the maternity ward shortly after. I got lost for a good twenty minutes and when I eventually found the ward I then had to wait around 30 minutes. In the mean time the pain was unbearable and I was silently crying and squirming in my seat as I waited. I then got an ultrasound and explained my full situation of how I had no prenatal care (without explaining how the pregnancy came to be and my mental health) to the nurses, who were so compassionate and kind and made the situation a little less scary. They suggested there was a possibility I would be giving birth that day. The nurse then actually physically checked me, just to see I was 8cm dilated! It was then they made it clear I’d be giving birth very soon. Thankfully they had space and I was wheeled to a labour room and given laughing gas as my only pain relief. I gave birth to my baby boy at 14:14pm. The second I seen him any thought of adoption flew out the window. I had never felt so much love in my life until looking at my sweet boy. He was 8.1lb, exactly 38 weeks with a full head of jet black hair! Thankfully he was a picture of health, but I was severely anaemic (with my levels dropping lower the following days leading to an iron transfusion) and I had extremely high blood pressure, but I was just glad it was me and not him. I eventually called family and told them, which led to them telling my mum, who was still on holidays (my mum was probably the biggest fear when it came to telling people as I knew she’d be so mad and it made me feel like a disappointment). For the first time I opened up to the staff about what happened and why I was so irresponsible with the pregnancy (I couldn’t help but cry out of guilt at night for not getting any prenatal care for my boy and how it could of effected him/might still effect him), and they were once again so understanding and compassionate, even those that didn’t know. To help build my confidence and provide supports that could help me have everything prepared for when I get home, they held me in a little longer. My family dropped their lives temporarily and rushed up to come see me and also provide and help prepare things for when I got discharged, I had never felt such support in life. Me and my joy got discharged October 31st and all that was left was facing my mum. She was angry but also hurt, and said some hurtful things but I knew to expect that. Things were tense the first few days but they’ve been settling down and she’s obsessed with my boy.

This is only the start of me and his’ journey but I just wanted to share as everything I went through made me mentally deny my pregnancy for so long and made me not seek out help or prenatal care and I know if I had read a story of someone going through similar it would of helped me so much, and if there’s anyone out there that is going through anything similar I want you to know you are not alone and I understand what you’re going through.

Anyways if you actually read all of this thanks for your time and I apologise for any typos!