Im really going through it in my marriage. We have a 15 month old baby boy, conceived after multiple pregnancy losses and 2 <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">ivf</a> cycles.

When I first met my husband within 3 months of our relationship I caught him talking to another woman while I was providing for us and he was without a job. Because I was “working too much” he was lonely. I was BEYOND hurt but we decided to move past it and I forgave him (it’s dumb I know). They were planning to meet up and have sex and he told her our relationship was open and I knew and the girl texted me to make sure.

Flash forward to maybe a year later, he didn’t like my vaping addiction so he asked me to stop and threw it in the trash. He dipped tobacco at the time so it was a good opportunity for him to stop as well so we did (or so I thought) we TTC for about 3 years and I kept having terrible miscarriages. I had a traumatic experience with one and started hemmoraging. I didn’t understand what was going on so we went to a reproductive specialist who had him take an array of vitamins because his sperm count was abnormally low to see if we could fix it. I was doing everything I could, I mean EVERYTHING. We wanted a baby so bad. I was doing diets, cutting toxins, etc… eventually we were told <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> would be our best chance and we needed to stay as healthy as possible for our best chance at a successful cycle. So I started hormone meds, working full time and going to the dr just about everyday, feeling sick, tired, emotionally drained. It was HARD. And then I discovered he was lying and going behind my back the whole time and smoking cigarettes at work. It felt like a punch in the face, after all I was putting my body through. It was his sperm after all that was causing the issues. To top it off, weeks later my phone died and I was aimlessly scrolling on his tik tok and video after video its naked girls. I knew how the algorithm works so I went to his liked videos and they’re all about open relationships and “breeding kinks” and just porn-ish stuff. He told me he didn’t want porn in our relationship because it seems unloyal and I agreed. So the fact that he was liking and commenting “sexy” under this videos, ESPECIALLY THE BREED KINK ONE after I was putting myself through, watching my body change and become insecure this made it SOOOO much worse. Again, I decided to forgive him.

And then I had my son, my husband swore to never touch nicotine again. He said he thought he had covid and wanted me and my son to leave the house, turns out he just wanted to play video games and smoke because I caught him again. At this point I don’t care about the vaping or smoking, its the lying. I told him that but he assured me he wanted to stop and he wouldn’t do it again. He said it would never happen again.

I feel emotionally disconnected after all the lying and cheating. I truly want this to work, we havent had sex since before my son was born because I just don’t feel good enough, feel like hes doing things behind my back and were just not connecting, weve tried marriage counseling but its hard with a baby and no one to help.

I caught him lying again last night. I found a vape charger in my son’s diaper bag. Having 2nd hand smoke around my baby is a non negotiable for me. I wont allow it. He said it wasn’t his at first but eventually came clean.

If you read this far thank you. Im tired, i want this relationship to work. Idk what else to do.