TIRED. Just TIRED.

So….for the whole week I have been at work, I keep hearing my coworkers talking complete and utter garbage about me. They keep saying how admin has been holding a meeting and how they’re trying to get rid of me.

Up until today, I was taking one of my students to the bathroom in one of the pre-k classrooms (she’s not potty trained) and I overheard 2 of my coworkers talking crap about me. One teacher was like “who in the world hired her”? Then looked me dead in the face, screwed up her face and rolled her eyes at me. Another teacher was like “I don’t know, but in order to work in the school system, you have to be held up in a certain light and display good moral character and she definitely doesn’t display that, so…🤷🏾‍♀️”.

When the student was done, I walked out with the student and accidentally slammed the door. Then I ran into one of the teachers again and I gave her the swift de*th stare. I wanted to confront the two of them but I couldn’t because of the kids in the classroom and I would never put myself in a position to talk to adults in front of kids and I don’t speak up for myself but I felt that that incident was a speak up for myself moment.

It’s like everywhere I go, people always got something to say about me and it bothers me. People at my job got something to say, people in my apartment building got something to say, and it’s so bad that I have bad social anxiety. I don’t like going anywhere alone because of my anxiety and if I have to go somewhere by myself like the grocery store or something, I have to wear my sunglasses and I always do curbside pickup when I buy something. Ive been through so much that I can’t afford to lose anything. From being SA’D to losing my mom and other close people in my life to getting kicked out of relatives homes to being homeless and staying in the shelter for almost a year to having a stable job to having my own apartment to having a car given to my by an aunt, I deserve to have everything good coming to me and people are trying to hurt me and want to ruin my future.

I feel like I can’t talk to anyone because I overthink a lot and they all feel that all of my feeling and thoughts are all in my head but sometimes I feel that that’s not always the case. I’ve had therapists who told me that I self internalize and I always do a lot of self blaming but that’s not always the case either.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe I’m a horrible person, maybe I’m trash, maybe I’m a piece of garbage, maybe I’m a piece of crap on a stick. Maybe if I go away, then I will be doing everyone a HUGE favor.