How Can I Improve Communication with My Mother Regarding My Independence?

Question

I'm a 21-year-old university student who lives about 5 hours away from my hometown. I'm back home for the holidays, and I'm facing a recurring issue with my mother regarding my independence and decision-making.
Despite being grateful for my parents' hard work and the opportunities they've provided me, including getting my first car at 17, I often find myself at odds with my mother. She seems to take issue with many of my decisions, particularly those involving spending time with friends or traveling short distances.
Recently, I planned to go Christmas shopping with a high school friend in a town about an hour away. My mother strongly objected, citing concerns about dangerous drivers, even though I've been driving since I was 16 and have a lot of experience on the road. When I tried to assure her of my safe driving and explain the importance of the trip to me, she dismissed my concerns and shut herself in her room.
This pattern of interaction is stressful and makes me feel guilty for doing things that are normal for someone my age. I understand that she cares for me, but it feels like she's not willing to acknowledge my maturity and independence.
I'm looking for advice on how to communicate better with my mother. How can I make her see that while I value her concern, I am also capable of making my own decisions responsibly? Any insights or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated.

Answer

The way you articulated that is so intelligent and mature! You have every right to go out with friends! While your mom’s concerns are somewhat valid it sounds like she may have trouble managing her emotions. When we come into adulthood is when we can see our parents are just humans too and maybe haven’t learned how to handle things and situations as well as we originally thought. If you are living with them still you may have to draw some emotional boundaries for yourself and try not to let it get to you (easier said than done). If you are not living with her then you can draw boundaries a little easier! It is hard for some parents to realize they do not have control over your life when kids come into adulthood. Hopefully your mom will learn that as you get older! ❤️❤️ Good luck sweetheart and have fun with your friends!!!

Answer

I've read your response to one of the comments, and it does sound to me like she is worried but chooses to communicate to you in a 'OTT' way.
My mother was like this when I was younger, and while she is better now that I'm in my 30's, this worrisome attitude never really went away. Mums do worry, but my mum can take it to the next level , since she is quite an anxious person. 
I went abroad when I was 19, so even though she did worry, the distance meant there were less opportunities for her to express the worries. I would explain to her (when you're both calm) what you expressed in your comment here - that I emphasise with how she feels, but it's mentally draining. If you have tried 'the talk' already, I would just avoid sharing things that might make her worry.
That way you avoid the unpleasant encounters but you still have a good relationship with her.

Answer

Hmm, this gets me thinking your mother might have issues right now and it might not have anything to do with you. Wanting you to stay off the road at 21yo to go shopping is extreme. Your are not a child. If you said you wanted to drive through Mexico at night, I would have stood by her… 
The way she handles things is very immature and a tad manipulative. You are left with the shame you should not have to deal with. 
As a mother myself, I can maybe see she might be scared to loose you, scared of losing control over you, scared to have an empty house, scared she is now useless to you… But if she keeps acting like this, you are not going to resolve anything together. And that is very sad. 
And by the way, this has nothing to do with gratefulness… Nothing to do with the appreciation of what they did and still do for you. Your mother is having a tantrum about something that the bottom line has nothing to do with going shopping. I would want to ask her: « mother, what is it that is really troubling you? ».

Answer

To me, your example might not mean that she is trying to discredit you in any way. I feel like it was a mix of being worried and possibly being sad about you wanting to go out instead of spending time with her. 
Also, you being a careful driver doesn’t mean anything if other people are being the dangerous ones. You could be the most careful driver ever, all it takes is a stupid decision of the other driver(s) 🤷🏼‍♀️

Answer

Cut her some slack. She’s worried and cares for you. She knows you’re capable. It doesn’t mean she won’t worry. That will never change.

How Can I Improve Communication with My Mother Regarding My Independence?

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