Hi all, pls no judgement I just need someone to talk to, vent to, ask for advice and opinions, and maybe someone who can relate!

For a tiny bit of context I’m a teen mum, I had my first (planned) when I’d just turned 17 with my ex. Then at 17 I met my current partner and we’re are still going strong 2 years later. We had a miscarriage in early relationship so I tried for my 2nd (planned) and he’s now 7 months old. So long story put short - I’m 19 and a 1/2, with a beautiful 2&1/2 year old boy, and another beautiful 7 month old boy, and me and partner are engaged. Money is ok. We get by, but some months we really struggle. I had EXTREMELY BAD prenatal and postnatal depression with my 2nd. (whatever your picturing, X that by 5000) I’m currently working with multiple teams to get help for my mental health. I’m doing so much better now, good routine, getting house work done, feeling more optimistic etc, however there’s been times this year where I’ve felt so low I’ve considered su***** & putting my babies up for TEMPORARY placement some place else (NOT NOT NOTTT because I don’t love them but because I was SOOO low I felt like they deserved better and I couldn’t give them that, at the time, like I said, I’ve come leaps and bounds) I tried to get on birth control 6 weeks postpartum but because of my postnatal depression my dr wouldn’t put me on any other form of bc other than a non-hormonal copper IUD. And I didn’t want that so we’ve just been having careful non-protected sex the whole time. It’s been fine up until now.

Anyway, back to the original post. I found out I was pregnant about a week ago, and my heart just dropped. Because me, my children and my partner can not deal with another pregnancy & child rn. Especially if it went the same way my last pregnancy did. We weren’t going to try for another 4-5 years. I pretty much knew immediately that I would have to get an abortion, and I’ve felt terrible and sicky and hugely anxiety-ridden since. I’m currently 5 weeks & 2 days pregnant and ideally I wanted to get an abortion by the 8 week mark at the latest. I live in the uk, so healthcare is run by the NHS, and I’m booked in for zoom call at 7 weeks pregnant on the dot to discuss abortion. I feel so anxious and stressed out because for me having that 8 week rule/preference, 7 weeks is really late, ESPECIALLY because, just a reminder, this isn’t when I’m having an abortion this is literally just a conversation. I asked them if they could get me in before then and they said they were fully booked until then. God only knows when they’re going to be able to schedule my actual abortion because if that’s the best they could do with a simple conversation I don’t even wanna know when I’ll end up having the real thing. I’m so scared, the only person I have is my partner. Nobody else knows and I won’t be telling anybody else. He’s super supportive but he just keeps telling me it will be ok and he’s going to tell them on the zoom call that I need to have it that week at the latest but I don’t feel like it will be ok :(

I’m so scared, the thought of continuing the pregnancy and having another baby (3 under 3) is just an absolute nope but the thought of having an abortion after 8 weeks is also a Nope. I need advice on what to do. Or how to think. It’s at the back of my mind eating me up. Even just the fact that I’ve had a couple of drinks over Xmas, my partner keeps telling me it’s ok because we’re not keeping the baby but I just keep thinking “yeah but what if we end up having to keep it” I’ve already done so many things I wouldn’t have done in my other pregnancy’s and is the damage already done? 💔💔

Advice pls, or even just someone to talk to? I feel so lost :(