My waters went a 38weeks at 4.00am on the Thursday morning however no contractions started I went into the hospital and they sent me home with 24hours for contractions to begin otherwise I would need induction due to this being dangerous of getting sepsis , in the early hours of Friday morning around 3.00am contractions stated about 8 mins apart but weren’t frequent, we had been told to go back to the hospital at 8am on the Friday morning so we went back in and I had go straight to triage, we were on this ward all day until 8pm at night, as there was no room in the delivery suite for me to have the hormone drip. Contractions were getting stronger I had the epidural put in at around 4cm as I had been in labour so long and I was so tired , the next morning the doctors came round and explained that I had caught sepsis due to my baby boy being without water for too long and there was a chance he had it too. So they pumped me with antibiotics and wasn’t sure what to do with me as I was in labour but he needed to come out this was around 5-6cm. I had such a high temperature I could hardly stay awake they then went on to speak about a c-section which I didn’t really want although he then went on to say that he wouldn’t recommend it as it could make infection worse but it was up to us.

After being in labour over 50+ hours getting to 10cm I began pushing, although I was unable to get him out on my own due to him being such a big baby, they then explained that I would need forceps and potentially a section if he didn’t come with forceps I went into theatre beating myself up as I couldn’t get my baby out on my own☹️ during theatre they started forceps and everyone was explaining to me how he was coming and to keep pushing so I carried on, then for no reason they said emergency c section although I had to be put under general anaesthetic due to me being able to feel the lower part of tummy. He was born at 8.39pm on the Saturday evening

I missed my baby being born and didn’t see him until 11.20pm due to still being asleep☹️. When they handed him to me for the first ever time to take us up to the ward, no one said congratulations here’s your baby boy he was just slung onto me and wheeled up.

When we got onto the ward I was unable to get up due to the procedure I had gone through my partner was unsure on how to really do much as he was nervous so he called for a midwife to help change his first poo and the lady basically said it’s your baby you’ve got to do it, then he went onto say is he clean enough and the woman said it your baby you decide whether he’s clean or not.

After being in hospital 4 days due to me still being septic we finally got to come home. However when we got home I became very scared as I had no bond with my baby whatsoever I felt nothing towards him and it break my heart even now almost 4 months on thinking about it there was so many occasions I refused to look after him as he didn’t feel like my baby at all☹️ I didn’t know what to do. 3 weeks after my birth I was diagnosed with postnatal depression and needed lots of help from my midwives , health visitor, nursery nurses camhs and more. I finally began to start feeling slightly better about myself around 10weeks after he was born , I’m still not 100% but slowly but surely getting there so thank you to everyone who has helped me through my challenging journey.

In November I then went to birth reflections as I had lots of missing gaps in my labour and one of the biggest was why it went so quickly from forceps to an emergency c section.

The lady then went onto tell me that it was due to the manufacturer sending them a dodgy batch and that the forceps were broken, even though I hadn’t been told once before that it had happened. She then went on to say that the reason I couldn’t have an awake c section was because my spinal block was in a different place go everyone else’s.

I walked out of that room and burst into tears knowing that if it wasn’t for those forceps being broken and the spinal block being in the wrong place I could have had my baby boy naturally it has well and truly broken me having that experience taken away due to a ‘dodgy batch’

I just wish I could of turned back time and pushed that little bit harder.

Although 4 months on I am doing a lot better and our bond is slowly getting there each day with his precious smiles I will never forget how hard and traumatic my experience was.

I love you baby boy I’m so sorry❤️