To preface me and my partner are in a healhty relationship but we've entered it under the terms that we will have to end at some point because of our carreer paths veering in different directions. This effects me because I date to marry. But if you knew this guy you'd understand why I would prefer the experience of loving eachother for the moment opposed to my 'date to marry' ideas. With this mindset I have very little experience but when I have been with people I have the intent to marry them, even if it doesn't end up being that way.

I've recently purchased two vibrators one is intended for penetration and the other being clitoral. Now for the first time a month ago I used the penetrating one with my boyfriend, I enjoyed and my boyfriend loved watching. It was all consensual and I was happy with doing this.

But afterwards I cried into him because that was a first taken by someone I know that I will eventually lose, it tore me to shreds. He understood that, now its a common rule not to use it in the bedroom purely because it brought me to that point.

Today, I'm alone at home and I decided to give it another go by myself and I enjoyed it in the moment. But the same sense of upset washed over me and I don't know why, could anyone walk me through why I keep feeling this way. Maybe a viewer from the outside has valuable insights?

(Side-note: the clitoral vibrator doesnt make me sad afterwards)