hi everyone :)

unexpectedly found out last week that I'm pregnant.

I had hcg levels drawn by my endocrinologist on Monday which is showing 3-4wks but based on LMP I should be about 5w5d unless I ovulated late (pcos).

she gave me a referral to a maternal fetal medicine specialist because I'm high risk. my appointment is in a few hours and they'll be doing an ultrasound and such. I'm not expecting to see anything at this point yet. I also have an ultrasound on 1/15 with my regular obgyn so I'm hoping that one will show something if today's doesn't.

I'm very scared though. I've been battling infertility for 8-10 years. finally had decided that I was totally fine not having kids, didn't want to go through <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">ivf</a>, etc etc and then boom, pregnant.

I'm hoping so badly that baby will be healthy and stick.

when I took that test last week, I was expecting it to be negative, and when I grabbed it to throw it out I looked down and saw 2 lines and thought I was seeing things. I dipped 6 more sticks in a panic. I wasn't sure what I was feeling when they all came back positive.

it was kind of a dread feeling. I'm widowed, my husband died in early 2019. I've been seeing the same man since late 2019 but we're more casual than anything else. he's basically my best friend. he's 14 years older than me already has an adult child. this wasn't in the cards for him, and honestly I didn't think it was in the cards for me. we're going to make it work but, honestly not an ideal situation.

once I started to process it, I fell in love with this lil bug. I keep imagining seeing ultrasound screen, holding him for the first time, little feet.

I want this to stick so badly and I'm so so so scared they'll tell me it's a blighted ovum or something. or that my hcg levels haven't risen in 48h. or something else that will tear me up inside after giving up a decade of hope.

I'm trying to stay positive but really needed to scream these feelings out to people who get it. 😔