So my husband and I have been together going on 10 years. We have 2 little kids. My husband absolutely adores them. He 99% of the time is crazy sweet and thoughtful. And then things like last night happen.

So we started a bathroom renovation more than a year ago. We got everything but half the paint done and then I had our baby and it just kind of got forgotten. Anyways I had the day off yesterday and decided while the baby napped that I would get started finishing it. I told my husband that I was doing it and said that I was definitely going to need help because there was more to finish than I thought but I wanted it done yesterday so we could get back into our bathroom and our toddler didn’t have to climb over paint stuff to use the potty.

So anyways we get kids down and we discussed our plans for the evening. He went out to gather supplies for work and then was going to come take over and finish the job so I went and got paint stuff back out and started painting And 2.5 hours later I still hadn’t seen him. I got as far as I could and then started cleaning up and still nothing.

I finally went out to get a trash bag and he’s sitting on the couch on his phone, I said what are you doing? He was looking up something on the internet. I was super irritated and just gave him a thumbs up (totally sarcastic). Anyways a few minutes later he comes in the bathroom and said “sorry” and all I said was it’s a little late for that don’t you think? He said “well, fine” and storms off like knocking stuff over while he goes. Like totally a tantrum. I don’t know I never feel like his apologies are genuine. They’re usually just a blanket sorry - which usually means he has no clue why I’m even upset or aware of anything that happened.

At this point I was exhausted, i was sweating like a pig, I just really didn’t have the energy to deal with anything extra so I continued cleaning up, it was now 11pm and the bathroom still wasn’t done because I can’t reach the ceiling over the tub even standing on our ladder. He could have easily done it without even a ladder. I washed all my tools and the brushes and everything and the roller I put in a bag because I knew I’d need to finish the ceiling somehow on my own. a few minutes later he comes back in and as if nothing at all in the world is wrong says all chipper to me, “what can I do to help.”

I just stopped what I was doing and looked at him and said are you kidding me?

I’ve just spent 2.5 hours plus cleanup working my butt off, I’d already told him I needed help and I find him sitting on his butt.

So he gets all mad at me and pushes past me into the room and starts grabbing like the towel rack to hang it back up. I said please stop, the paint is wet, he continued trying to put the towel rack up. I asked him, louder to please stop. He continued. I yelled at him. He still didn’t stop, I finally went and yanked the towel rack away from him because he was scuffing the paint all up. He finally said what is your problem??

I said I’ve been working here in the bathroom for 2.5 hours expecting you to show up and help me and you didnt come. I needed help, the job isn’t finished but I’ve cleaned up now and NOW you show up to help when I’ve done everything that can be done tonight already. He said that he did try to come in but I had locked the door.

I hadn’t locked the door, I took the handle off, because I was painting the door. So there’s a gaping hole where the handle was. In high school he installed doors for a living. I know he knows how door handles work. He could have opened it if he’d wanted to.

He didn’t knock or anything either. He could have spoke to me through the handle. He could have tried any number of things, but didn’t.

Anyways so I said I’d needed his help and he wasn’t around so he shoves past me again and goes and grabs the paint roller and rips the bag off and there’s paint on the bag and it flips paint all over the bathroom. I yelled at him again to stop, he yells back I’m just going to paint the whole effing bathroom! (This was pretty heated at this point)

I was like for one thing I’ve already painted most of the bathroom for another I’ve just cleaned up. For another its 11, now 11:30. He goes to work at 4am and should have been in bed, So I was like you don’t need to paint it tonight, I didn’t want him rage painting. There is a light over our bathtub that he probably would have just painted over because he was so mad at me, I wanted him to just stop. So He gets all mad at me again and throws the paint roller in the tub. Now I have to clean the tile, our kids toys. He got drips on the walls. Like it was a whole mess I didn’t need. It got paint on his clothes and mine. I was so upset. I don’t know why he does it. Like any time I get upset with him for not doing something we’ve talked about he loses his mind and just rages and nothing stops him. Nothing at all. He shoved past me again and left me crying in the bathroom and cleaning up the mess he’d made and after I go in to our room expecting him to be in bed and he’s packing a bag.

This has only started recently. If I am even remotely upset at him, he gets super upset with me and like is angry at me for getting upset with him? Like in this case I have no right to be upset that he was sitting on his ass while I’m working mine off. He claims he didn’t know I needed help because I didn’t tell him. I had clearly told him I needed help. Then he said like why was I painting the bathroom when I had told him he needed to do it. I never said that he needed to finish it, I said I need help. He told me that I needed to lay out a step by step plan for him of like what needed to happen. I told him I wasn’t his fucking foreman.

Sorry that was long winded. But what do we do? How do we stop this cycle? How does he change his behavior and how do I change my reaction to his reaction??