I've had a drug problem since I was 14. My mom was on drugs, my dad was abusive and I just started doing drugs with my mom and started making reckless decisions to get drugs which i paid for price foe when I tested positive for HIV when i was 19. I don't know if it was the needle use or the things I did to get drugs but I was pretty sure I fucked up my life and my wife came into my life when I was a mess. I got sober and had been sober for 6 years. We were gonna have our first baby but we were involved in an accident that lead to losing our baby at 38 weeks and my wife almost dying and having to get a hysterectomy. This all took place in November so we are still grieving and she's still dealing with the trauma. That wasn't why I relapsed. A lot of things lead to me relapsing and I don't want to talk about what pushed me over but I went and hung out with old friends to get drugs from shot up again for the first time in 6 years. I was mixing drugs and part of me feels like I was subconsciously trying to kill myself. What lead to the possible cheating is we were out at a club and I was so high on a couch. Someone brought me a drink and I could tell something was laced in it. I could see the powder. I don't know if they were trying to rob me, steal my organs, have sex with me, kill me but i didn't care. I knew someone laced it which is why I consider if something sexual did happen I cheated. I didn't care what happened to me. Idk if anything sexual happened. I know I was robbed for sure. The only reason me and my wife think something sexually have happened is because of pain but I don't know. I confessed to relapsing and everything and we haven't talked in a week but she's claiming she still wants to be together and work it out. She can tell I'm self destructed and wants to be there. I don't know why she wants to be there for me. She deserves better and at this point I'm convinced I'm always gonna be a used up junkie and she would be better off if I just Od'd and died. She could do better. My whole life I was always told by my dad that I'm worthless and since I was 14 I was told I'm a junkie, I'm useless, when I came up HIV positive he started calling me a slur and saying I'm basically a male crack whore and at this point he's right.