Hi everyone and anyone who happens to read this,

My name isn’t important, I’ve been on this app for many many years, have used it for guidance during cycle phases and sometimes as a past-time. Now it’s my turn to share something with you: I don’t feel well. I don’t know the reason, I can’t figure it out. I’m married (twice over now) with a wonderful man, we’ve bought a house of our own, we have everything I never had as a child. Here comes the trick: I can’t seem to feel happiness about it - I feel like something’s missing, like I’m supposed to do or have more at my age (35 in September this year). Au contraire, I feel lost, useless, empty, and the list goes on and on. This, when being in contact with other people.

All my life I’ve heard the same thing: you must study and be someone. I’ve studied, more or less, finished and gotten more degrees than I actually need, currently studying to become an accounting assistant and maybe something more in the future. But I’m so tired, so sick of it! I don’t feel joy going to work, I don’t feel happy going to school, I feel content when being home. All I want is to just be home. With my cat, with my husband, my garden and all there is. But that’s not possible, as I live in a country where taxes and bills have to be paid on time, where work ethic really sets the bar on how you’re perceived by others.

I’ve been going to therapy for two years now, it hasn’t helped as much as I had hoped. I’m still going, as I have recently expressed thoughts of sui.cide to my therapist and he is adamant I have to continue coming over. I’ve been having these thoughts for a long time, even went two years ago and bought everything I would need and set it aside for when I would feel the courage to do it. It takes a lot of courage to do it, actually. I don’t know if or when I’ll be getting there.

Currently I’m really sad, like a deep sadness has taken over, no joy or light anywhere to be seen. Like a heartbreak over something I don’t even know to have lost, WHATS MY PROBLEM?! I ask myself every day: what’s your problem? What do you need? What are you looking for?

There isn’t an answer. I’m not sure how to go on. Can someone give me some advice? Is there anyone who feels the same or went through this bullshit at some point? I’m sorry, I don’t want to offend anyone.