4th IUI have my hopes up

Blancah TTC PCOS

I have my hcg blood test on sunday; im hopeful but so freightened; this is my 5th medicated cycle, my 4th <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a> - had a chemical earlier this year, just switched this cycle from Letrozole to Clomid. Why is it so hard to be happy, but hopeful, but also dreading the future.