I need to vent…

Backstory: I had a complete molar pregnancy in 2019, our healthy son has born in 2021 (had some complications in pregnancy: preeclampsia and single umbilical artery, baby always measured small), had a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks (baby passed away at 6 weeks) in June 2023, and had a late missed miscarriage at 16 weeks (baby passed away at 12 and a half weeks). Tests were ran on me and the most recent baby we lost and everything came back completely normal. The baby had the normal chromosomal makeup and nothing was wrong with him from what they could tell. The Dr that performed the D&C even told me the baby looked normal and he couldn’t find any physical abnormality that he could attribute to what caused him to pass away. He suspects it was caused by a “genetic abnormality” so for example a heart defect, or umbilical cord abnormality, etc. Basically the Dr thinks I’m just having a repeated case of bad luck.

Even further backstory: I’ve always been crunchy granola, if there’s a healthy option 9/10 times I choose it. It’s important to note I’ve always been this way BECAUSE I’ve always dreamed of being a mother. And so I’ve always strived to eat healthy, don’t drink sodas anymore, make my own soap and laundry detergent, use phthalate, sulfate, sulfite, etc free shampoo, conditioner, make my own lotion, etc. Don’t wear makeup ever, rarely wear perfume, bottom line is I keep it very minimal and natural. As much as I can within reason. I pretty much always have.

SO the rant…

Why do I —the woman who has always strived to make healthy choices primarily for my egg health and thus future children’s health— get the slap in the face of having recurrent pregnancy losses while SO so so many women in the world — who do NOT take care of themselves, have no regard for their egg health, douse themselves in in chemical fragrances and tanning lotions, and hair dyes, makeup, etc daily and who have never dreamed of being a mother— get to be the ones to have numerous healthy babies/ pregnancies that go on without a hitch?? I’d never wish a loss on anyone. I’m not saying I wish what has become my fate on anyone who does those things. What I’m asking is why of all the people in the world does it have to be me who is going through this?

I’m a Christian, I’ve had a very close relationship with God for many years now. I was saved when I was 11 after I went through a pretty traumatic situation. I’m 26 now. I love and trust God with all my heart, and I KNOW that He has allowed all this to happen for a reason. I trust His plan… I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt and even becoming a bit jaded at this point though… It just feels like a sick twist of fate and I’m so angry that this is the world we live in. That the good get treated poorly and the evil prospers, and it’s all so backwards. I know it’s this way for a reason… it just hurts. I do trust God in all this, I just need a shoulder to cry on rn and someone to vent to. Thank you for reading all this 💔❤️