Husbands role when home?

Question

I'm struggling and my husband's response is "I'm sorry you feel that way." It's getting old and I'm getting pissed at him. When he's home from work he's either not sharing our load of house work or children. I don't get alone time or even time alone to do things that need to get done. I also got sick. My husband isn't lazy but he fills his time doing home projects or things he values like a clean car as opposed to a clean home. While he's cleaning the car he doesn't have children.
I do everything from every meal which I make from scratch to every load of laundry pieces of mail the kids school stuff and any family planned activities. Last night I was too sick to go to a family party so I was sick at home with all the kids while my husband went. I'm the first one up last one asleep and still up in the night with the baby and toddler. I don't get sick days.
I have scheduled surgery this week and my husband is fixing a deck while I'm prepping the home and kids stuff for the next few days. I don't get recovery time so I'm trying to plan for after. My husband's great idea is to leave me with all three kids while he runs to the lumbar yard and works with power tools. 
I'm mad. I don't get help. I don't get a break. My surgery will be the only time away from the kids in two months. I'm praying I don't have breast cancer but that's the surgery to remove a lump.
I'm upset that when he's home we don't share the load. His point is he's not lazy he's just doing other things. My point is I have three small kids and I need a break I need to be taken into consideration I need my husband to pick up some of the load when he's home. 
At dinner now I'm getting pissed because he wants me to have his dinner plated and served hot. I've lost it! I'm not a maid and if he wants hot food come serve it up himself when I call him to the table.
Is this the standard of being a stay at home mom? My husband doesn't get it and really doesn't apologize either for how I'm feeling. I am treated as though I should be grateful I'm able to be home with our kids as prior I was home and had to work nights. But I'm definitely not seen as an equal job and that I carry a heavy load between exclusively breastfeeding, home school preschool, and run an entire home by myself.

Answer

Your husband is just an asshole. My husband works hard everyday and as soon as he comes home he jumps right into dad mode and helps cook dinner and bathes our babies every night.

Answer

He is avoiding being a parent.. making himself busy with projects that could wait.. it's not just about helping u.. giving u a break.. where's the bonding time? He goes to work.. comes home and nothing.. ur having surgery.. which i am so sorry to hear.. i really hope it goes well.. but come on.. he needs to help.. he doesn't value u.. ur just there to please him.. digusting behaviour about the hot plate.. this isn't going to work longtime.. unless u stay and ur very deeply unhappy.

Answer

Your husband is a piss poor father and partner.

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We think of it like this: I am the nanny. I dont do anything we wouldnt expect a nanny to do. My "job" while my husband is at his job, is childcare- not anything else. They just happen to be our children. When he gets home, we BOTH become parents. On the weekends, we are both parents. We both live in this home. The laundry is a family responsibility. We all eat on the dishes. Saturday is usually my day for projects or whatever, Sunday is his. I am an equal partner in this life, I am not less than him. If anything my husband does more than me because I am still nursing and getting back into the swing of things.

Answer

He sounds extremely oblivious and like he doesn’t cherish spending time with the kids. It seems like his projects are “me time” for him in a way. I’m sure you would love a little of that for yourself, so it’s not fair that he only gets it. Things should not be all on you when it comes to parenting and you’re going to have a mental breakdown if you don’t get time for yourself. My husband was way more oblivious with our first but has really become more in tune with our family’s needs with our second. Part of that was me being very upfront with what I need. I try to communicate what I need from him in a calm respectful way—before I would approach those conversations with passive-aggressiveness or with all out rage, which went no where. We needed couple’s therapy to help me realize that. I would propose an ultimatum or ask to seek couple’s therapy. This isn’t sustainable for you and if he doesn’t start educating himself about what it means to be a good partner and father then you’ll end up resenting him more and leaving him.

Answer

I find sometime men don’t realize how taxing it actually is to stay home with the kids all day and get no time for yourself. If you can talk with him and have him try taking on the kids by himself for a weekend while you get some you time he might realize how hard it actually is and gain some more perspective. I would talk with him and tell him, not ask! Tell him you are taking a weekend for you and he will need to step up and take on the kids. Let him know this is very important and you need the time. Hopefully he will be understanding and realize that you both are the children’s-parents and  thus both of you bare a responsibility to care for them

Answer

I think a lot of women have had similar arguments, especially if the women are SAHM. Ive had one too and i am a mom that WFH. What Ive found out is that men like to categorize roles for them and their wives and when they are at work they want a bombshell wife to come home to that has whipped up a 5-star meal, all regardless of the fact that shes absolutely defeated by kids from 5am. They think their work is even more demanding and we should be so impressed by the fact that they work. Breaking news for them is that we are even more tired. We consider that atleast they get time off, but we dont. I think this calls for a conversation between you and your husband and if he doesnt want to split the work, atleast come up with a system that works. For example get external help from grandparents or hire a nanny, because you need some me time otherwise you will burnout

Answer

Girl my husband is very similar with the projects and I try to be patient but it’s always a different project.. my husband does help out the toddler to sleep though.. we have a 2 and 1 year old and I’m pregnant again and he puts our 2 yo to bed and I put 1 yo to bed but our 2yo takes like hours and our 1 yo I got going down  on her own because since I’m pregnant again I knew I needed to get her going down alone but they both wake up at night so we each have a child we are responsible for and when new baby comes he will probably be primarily responsible for both of the olders.. honestly idk how old your kids are but if dad is working outside I send the kids out with him (unless it’s unbearably hot) but i honestly make my husband cut down his outside projects to a minimum in the summer because it’s so hot where we live… so in the winter they go out with dad and maybe I’ll out too a bit but if I need to get stuff done then I’ll go in.. 😅 but I get it because my husband is the same but if you have to do everything with kids attached to you then guess what he can do the same thing.. obvi age appropriately like I used to keep our youngest in but now she’s old enough she gets upset if she gets left behind so I make him take them both.. but when the new baby comes I will stay inside with her.  But it’s not just on you to have to suffer alone while he’s working on projects not saying his projects aren’t important but your stuff is important as well.. honestly I used to just suffer through while my husband was slaving away constantly but finally I just started asking for what I needed vs before I always had to take the kids to the store alone ect now I tell him like hey I gotta run to the store watch the kids please.  The dinner thing would annoy me.. but my husband is always working so much I have to drag him in for dinner but there have been instances where he was hungry and I told him I would make food for him but both kids woke from naps and by the time I got them using the bathroom and changed and dressed and made the sandwich it took forever and my husband was like “that better be the best sandwich ever” and I was like “ no it’s stale because I had to keep taking care of your kids ect lmao “

Answer

Bestie trust me it’s not going to get better. If he wanted too he would, he doesn’t care and never will. Tell him immediately if he doesn’t shape up and HELP you’re going to leave him. See if that will motivate him. If he doesn’t change and start doing better you need to make arrangements to divorce him. I promise you can do it. You’re already doing everything on your own and you’ll have one less child to take care of (him) 🖤

Answer

I divorced a manchild like this. I suggest the same, he’s not going to care on his own. He doesn’t validate your feelings and he’s just using you. I had three kids by a dude like that and got the f*** out when my youngest child was 4 months old. You’re way better off. Gather evidence about how he doesn’t put the kids first and how he is not the primary care taker nor should he be in a custody agreement. You’ll need that. I have full custody of my kids and 100% parenting time.

Husbands role when home?

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