This is messy. And for context, I am in a state of deep depression so please if anything show grace. Because it won’t take much more to push me further into this mental trap I’m in. I haven’t been this depressed in in a long time. I promised I’d never allow myself to feel this way if I had children. It scares me a little bit. I don’t want them seeing me upset. I saw my mom struggle with these same issues and I wanted to not continue my kids going through the cycle I was put through.

One of the things is It’s been bugging me for a little bit, but I finally told my bf my concerns about us ever getting engaged or married. I want to. Dearly. And he has spoke about wanting to get married and that he wants to someday as well.

Unfortunately, we can’t afford it considering my health, appointments, flare ups, on top of the mental effects from that, causing me to be reliant on social security and also having two kids. We are barely making it as it is. He is trying to get us a home and if we are married we would simply not be able to afford anything because my check would be cut off. I told him it hurts because I know he spent over $200 on a girl on jewelry during our breakup a while back. (That’s a long story and a misunderstanding on my part- I told him to leave and move on, but people guilted him into getting back with me and the kids- I know that sounds awful but it is what it is and we’ve been doing amazingly until I found this out about the jewelry box and $125 bracelet with hearts - I was looking for a replacement toy he had gotten one of the kids and seen it- on it that he claims was just as a friend which I KNOW- I know it’s total BS and the proof is there and it sounds like I’m making excuses for him but he’s right, it was in the past and we shouldn’t talk about it because right now is important.) I went to the bathroom and cried alone for about an hour. He’s on the spectrum and doesn’t understand social cues. He’s not good with emotions. I brought up how I don’t understand why we can’t at least get engaged and he said he wants to go all the way with marriage which means 1 year after engagement he wants to be married. He said he wants to marry me. But he said it makes him uncomfortable being one of those who “stay engaged for several years and seem everyone think he doesn’t want to commit” and it makes zero sense to me because he said he doesn’t care what anyone thinks yet him and I staying just bf and gf for another several years sounds like a bigger commitment issue to me. He did sell his house for me so we could get a bigger one and it was his first time buying a home so I do feel he loves me. And that was a sign of commitment and he also mentioned this because he didn’t really want to sell the house. The bigger house we tried to get didn’t work out though. The deal fell through as his job shut down and just so much crap has happened. All at once. So now he’s at my apartment (we had previously lived with him at his home, but I kept my apt from beforehand due to fears of him kicking me out even though he wouldn’t, I just have abandonment issues and also I have kids and they are my top priority. They are my everything. I refuse to allow them to be homeless.) it’s a horrible mess and I don’t know what to do. I love him. Otherwise I wouldn’t have cried like I did. I haven’t cried like that since my late husband passed.

Idk I just feel like I’m not good enough to even be engaged to. Like he’s keeping his options open even though, he could still leave if we got engaged or even married. It just hurts. I’m having trouble processing his point of view.

Also, my dad used a woman and they were bf/gf for years. He later was telling me how he used her to have someone do the cooking and cleaning and buying things, so he wouldn’t have to. and he definitely never loved her. He used her. And as soon as she asked him about his feelings on marriage (he had been married multiple times) he packed her things up and made her leave. I don’t want that. I’ve been loved and I’ve been married and it hurts so much that I know I’ll never have that again. So much. I wouldn’t wish the pain I’ve been through on anyone. I wish I could escape this. I’m so exhausted. I wanna live for my kids but this is getting hard. The feeling in my chest I’ve been having is getting too heavy. I’m unsure if I can even push through it much longer. Of course I’m going to try to win this battle for them. I’m going to give it everything I’ve got. But I ain’t got much left in me. We are fine this morning. I guess we are sweeping everything that we spoke of under the rug and ignoring it. But it still hurts me. It’s lingering in my mind.