My bf really reminds me of what I’ve read of Chris Watts. Well, here lately. So, last night we were in an argument. He was saying things like he doesn’t see a way out of our situation, saying he doesn’t want to leave, but he did note that eventually we will get out of this rut. Which is what I keep trying to tel him but he wants to give up trying to get another job, lay and play video games on the couch all day- and I mean ALL day. Every now and then he looks on indeed, but he only applies for jobs that make $20 or more. There was only two last week. Today my pregnancy mentor took time out of her day to call me about a job opening. I tell him and he said “I already seen it, it’s only $14 an hour.” I brought it up later why he can’t apply for it anyway until something better comes along and he said he knew people who hated working at that place. 😐 but I’ve been trying to encourage him to get something to alleviate some stress on himself. But then now I feel he tried something last night and now I am kind of wanting to kick him out now. But I’m scared and I don’t know what the next steps I need to take or if maybe I’m over thinking it. Idk.

Anyway, I think he may have tried to off all of us last night. After a lightly heated discussion (he raised his voice a few times at me, which I was calm the entire time. I just know he’s going through a lot.) which involved me saying in the next few days or so, if things don’t change, he was probably going to have to move out. I was gentle when I said it and he said he wouldn’t blame me for kicking him out. Because I can’t take someone giving me the silent treatment, me crying constantly, I’m clearly not happy. And his attitude is constantly negative, and there’s just no effort. No communication. He kept saying he was quiet because that’s how he processed things. Ok, it’s been a month of processing? How can he process or think of anything when he’s mapping out Minecraft ideas and constantly playing games. He’s not thinking of any solutions. He’s avoiding it. He hates conflict. He said that worries him about the next few days ultimatum and he can’t help that he processes this way. Then said therapy would be a waste of time and said therapy won’t help him. That he’s tried everything. He said he just doesn’t see a way out.

I just agreed to disagree about things and said I’d just be patient and give him time, because it was 4am and I was tired.

I went to the kitchen before I laid down and noticed the gas was on still on the stove. I said, hey did you know you left the stove on, he looked panicked and said “uh uh, no i thought it clicked off.” I turned it off and opened the door until the smell was out.

We laid down I fell asleep, and half way woke up noticing him getting up. He went to the kitchen, and stood in there for a second. I didn’t think nothing of it and dozed back off. My first alarm went off and it woke me up, I didn’t move or anything and kept my eyes closed, my boyfriend jolted to turn my alarm off… then he got up went to the kitchen and came back. When I finally got up, I went into the kitchen and it smelled like gas again.

Y’all am I crazy?

Because if I’m not what in the Hell do I do at this point? I told my therapist today because I started therapy with a new one since my other one was too far out of town and she said to ask the pregnancy center if they have any safe place the kids and I could stay. Like, I’m running this through my head, and he could get visitation to one of my kids and he could hurt them? I feel like now I have to look over my shoulder and observe everything he’s doing and he has this blank stared expression. I’m fucking scared and I don’t know what to do. I have a baby and 5 year old I need to protect, but I don’t know what to do and my therapist didn’t help me with hardly any advice at all today.