BURNED OUT toddler mom HELP

Hey mamas. I just need to hear I’m not alone. I have a specials needs toddler who is a lot of work (intensive feeding issues, speech & sensory processing). I have to stay home with him bc we can’t afford a private nanny. My husband travels for work so I’m basically a single parent all the time. I can’t pee, cook, or do anything for myself without a meltdown or safety issues with my child bc I can’t take my eyes off him for a second with his behaviors. I’m struggling so much. I feel like I’ve lost myself. I’m crying from the overstimulation of my nervous system, lack of self care, total exhaustion. I have health issues and I don’t go to the doctor anymore bc I can’t take my kid anywhere and I don’t have help, and my health is plummeting and I’m in high levels of neuromuscular pain all the time. I’m socially deprived and feel like I’ve lost all my social skills. I literally don’t see people other than his therapist that comes to the house bc he shuts down if he goes to an office and can’t participate in the therapy.

My son is 21 months and I love him so much and I know I’m a good mom, but my god has this been so hard. From birth to now it’s been SO hard. Both of us nearly died in delivery and I thought that was the hard part but it was just starting. It’s affecting my marriage too. It’s hard enough he travels so we don’t see each other much but he has a full life, his job affords him the ability to play golf and go to sporting events and stay in 5 star hotels eating $200 steaks every week going to the gym 2 hours every day. Meanwhile I’m existing on prayers, in physical pain and so stressed I’ve developed a tremor. I’m just parenting, cleaning, laundry, trying to keep it together all day and night. He’s thriving and I’m crumbling. He tries to be helpful when he’s home but he’s at the prime of his life while I’m falling apart and he can’t even remotely understand what I’m going through. So grateful he financially provides, but I know this is a far from ideal situation, and I never expected to be so alone in marriage and definitely didn’t realize I’d be parenting all by myself. Just 5 years ago I was healthier, glowing, pretty, and looked 15 years younger. I don’t recognize the tired, puffy, wrinkly mom in the mirror with tangled hair and red skin in stained clothing. And I don’t have literal time or support to fix it. One of the hardest parts is I desperately wanted another baby, and think about it daily bc my heart wants another child so much, whether biological or adopted, but my health and being alone not thriving like this without support means that’s a dream I have to let go of.

I know no one here can help, I just want to know I’m not alone in the trenches of motherhood. I hope I can’t come out the other side and find myself again. Just venting here I guess since I have no one to talk to.. life is not what I thought it would be 😔