Hi there. So my fiancé and I are getting married next year. His parents offered to pay for the wedding since mine don’t have nearly the means they do. I’m talking quite the jump in social class here…they can willingly buy Bentleys and Maseratis for example. Anyway, I’ve struggled recently with his mom. She has been dismissive of some of my ideas and has “put them on the back burner” but I know we have different expectations for some things. I’m extremely sentimental and have an aesthetic I am trying to obtain, however due to her paying it’s brought some tension:

1) I booked a live painter using my own money a few months ago, she felt it was sneaky of me to do that without her approval and was concerned about the budget to which I continued to press I will be paying for it. I stressed, if [fiance] and I are in alignment on the idea and willing to pay for it, why shouldn’t we just go ahead and do it? It’s our wedding. She said that’s fine but to let her know next time.

2) I have been exploring ideas for wedding invites and love the wax seal. I received a msg on IG with a video attached of a girl dismantling the idea due to postage issues- informing ppl to scrap the idea all together. She sent me a msg with it and said “Knotted ribbons & wax seals look great but stationers don’t care if you pay more. Let’s be sure not to consider this.” Shocked by the bluntness and dismissed idea (again not even deciding just literally looking at ideas/inspo) myself and my fiancé were thinking “umm what the heck, that’s weird.” It seemed like such a forward msg and I felt my idea was not even being considered/discussed, instead just completely shot down.

3) the location of our engagement party that I suggested was shy of any attempt on her part. She called and asked how many they can seat and then hung up. Didn’t explain anything to whomever she spoke to and didn’t speak to a manager when she called. My fiancé and I went to the location ourselves to check it out. I managed restaurants in the past and knew how to go about this so I made it happen. They could easily accommodate us which was great news; we proposed it to his mom and they agreed to do it. Let me provide some other insight: she had been suggesting their (in-laws) favorite restaurants in the interim of her speaking to the place vs me. It was frustrating but I am someone who makes things happen—not saying I wouldn’t go elsewhere or that I’d throw a fit, I just wanted to put a little more effort into this idea than what was originally given. Why wouldn’t we try? If it didn’t work then absolutely let’s shoot for another location- no worries, I’m extremely accommodating but just wanted to see if there was a chance. No harm in that.

4) I made e-vites for our engagement party. I was paying for the email tracker etc. but she asked to see the invite before sending it. I happily shared it. She gave her opinion about changing one set of wording (between to drop-in) on June 6th via text. Totally fine, but I felt like drop-in wasn’t as formal as I’d like so I looked up alternatives and found “float-in” and settled on that. I sent the invites.

5) florists: she found a florist she liked and told me to email her. I did. Twice. She then sent the florist my Pinterest page without telling me and has told me I need to reach out (reminded her I did and told her the dates of my emails and that I used the exact email she provided). She said the florist hasn’t heard from me. I mentioned how I would like to interview a few more anyway to see who I like and who matches my vision. She asked why since the planner will do that. I said because I want to be able to click with them and explore others before deciding on one. Needless to say not much else was said after that. Hi

6) save the dates: this was the golden ticket here. I had been exploring designs and showed my fiancé. We loved the design and photo selected, etc. and I just gathered 3 mock-ups. My fiancé sent a msg to his mom asking for addresses because we briefly chatted about paying for the save the dates. This had also been briefly discussed with her as I said I would like to contribute something to our wedding even if it’s save the dates (I don’t have a high income but offer to do what I can to alleviate the burden of cost and feel like I’ve contributed to OUR wedding). That convo was a few months back so she obviously didn’t remember since shortly after the txt, she became upset. She sent a passive aggressive email to myself, fiance and FIL saying, “Since [bride] has chosen The Knot to do the Save the Dates, we want you to send us the draft before any go out for printing. I’m sure you both understand since we are hosting these events, we need to review everything. Also, remember we are going with a more formal wedding invitation suite and do not want to use The Knot.” Take aback by this slightly passive email— prior to which moments before my fiancé had a phone convo with her— I asked what is going on. I was so shocked. My fiancé spoke to his mom privately and then I did….

It got interesting…

She told my fiancé she felt slighted by me with the save the dates situation. She felt we “went dark” after sending the engagement invites (note: I got a new job and had SURGERY so I was not focused on wedding things). There ends up being this big ordeal to which she voiced her true feelings about the artist I booked by saying she didn’t like that I did that without communicating with her, the engagement invites where she initially said they look great and to just make that minor change to her now saying the wording was all off, all of it was disarray, etc. (idk how since it was literally a template), and how she felt slighted about me picking out the save the dates without telling her. Just to be clear, I have just started looking at them and was playing around with designs. She said it was sneaky of me to book the artist— to which I started to get emotional due to someone who I used to admire now questioning my character— I said that is not my character and hopefully my prior actions show that. Additionally my mother did not raise me like that. At the end of the day she and I had a this long convo and it came down to her saying “I understand it’s your wedding, but we are paying for it. We are doing it because it’s our son. If your parents were paying I wouldn’t be saying anything but we love our son and want to do this for him.” So I feel like 1) a rock in a hard place because I want to voice my thoughts politely but I feel like she has been continuously dismissive and will now be even moreso. It is extremely difficult to make a vision come to life when I’m not paying for it. I have been the furthest thing from demanding (btw she emphasized the venue choice and I just said ok to make her happy). Idk what to do or how to navigate this moving forward so please tell me bluntly what I can do to make things better for everyone. I hate that she questioned my character and has made something bigger than what it is, if we knew each other better (took 3yrs for us to get our nails done together and we’ve only done it once after I’ve offered many other times, since the beginning actually) I don’t think we’d have such a discord. And 2) I was hurt by all this and also when she said “we love him.” Is it me, or shouldn’t she have said we love you guys and want to do this for you…”…..? Maybe it’s just me but there was a very short pause between “we love him, he’s our son” and her voice slightly cracked as if she couldn’t bring herself to say this to me. And I promise y’all I am good. I baked her a homemade pie when we first met (her favorite) and always help her prepare, clean up after meals etc. while everyone else sits together and talks. I still call them Mr & Mrs. [last name] after 3+ years and was never directed otherwise. Meanwhile, his sisters now husband was praised and addressed them by their first names, and was told to call her mom. The level of interest in me vs him was quite evident in the first 2yrs and has barely moved an inch within the 3rd year. Anyway, clearly this hurts as I am as welcoming as a puppy and has supported their son in so many ways, I suppose I feel betrayed.