tw: mention of $uïcïd3 and SH

this is a long rant btw so fair warning.

so my best friend of 17 years, who id consider like a sister to me, recently told me she wanted to unalive herself. this was about three ish weeks ago. last saturday, i woke up to a text saying "i'm home alone and i have the pills in my hand i'm going to take them" and i immediately freaked out and called her mom and told her what was happening and that she should either call my best friend or to call the police. her mom called her and then got back to me and said that everything was okay but i spend the whole day worried sick. three weeks ago when she told me how she felt, same thing happened; i felt sick to my stomach because i was so worried.

but the thing is, she does this every few years and i have a feeling it's for attention which sounds absolutely FUCKED but i'm being honest. she used to SH and then send me pictures and videos of it when i was going through the same thing which was extremely triggering for me. she'll tell me she's going to off herself but then appear completely fine and happy the next day. i've been in her place, i've attempted multiple times and it's not like that. you don't tell someone that you're gonna do it and look happy the next day. but idk. i'm absolutely exhausted trying to keep her alive because it's not my responsibility. it's not my job. ofc i want her alive but i can't keep her here if she is being serious. idk what to do anymore. it's making my already bad mental health to the point where i'm shutting down and pushing her out, pushing my bf out, i'm not doing well at work, i'm not sleeping well, not eating well. i really don't know what to do.

i have a genuine fear that the people closest to me don't want to be alive anymore and will act on it. my bf has expressed the same thoughts as my best friend and i have nightmares about it constantly. that either her, my bf, or someone else i care about will attempt and i can't do anything to help or stop it.