I’m really struggling right now. I know I’m being stupid so please don’t tell me I am.

I was with my ex for a year and had a weird two years with him before that of flirting and confusion. He’s sexually assaulted me multiple times, physically assaulted me, threatened to cut my face and emotionally abused me to make me dependent on him.

I know this is a trauma bond and I know I wasn’t happy with him because I’ve literally got diary entries from months ago telling myself to leave him. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t stop thinking about him and wanting to be near him even though i KNOW he’s a horrible person. I just want to know if anyone else has ever had the same? He was like jekyll and hyde with how loving he could be and how scary he could be. I’m so confused and upset with myself.