Mourning?

Question

I’m 4 months PP with my third baby and I wanted to see if this was something other mothers experience or if it’s just me.. has anyone felt like they were mourning they’re pregnancy journey and hospital experience? I have two older girls and just had our baby boy and even though my last pregnancy was hard there’s a part of me that feels like it’s grieving that time with the thought that I may never get to experience carrying another child again. Being that my last time was hard I feel like I didn’t take it in as much and enjoy it as much as I should have and I was also induced 3 weeks early (blood pressure issues) so I feel like the end of it was taken from me. Maybe it’s just my emotions but it’s been a hard thing for me lately 😭

Answer

Definitely. 
I did not get the pregnancy experience I wanted for either kid. I didn’t get the newborn stage at all with my second (4 months in the nicu). I didn’t get the breastfeeding journey I wanted. And I don’t get as many kids as I wanted. 2 is all my body could handle. 
I had two high risk pregnancies. High risk in terms of preterm labor and losing my babies as early as 16 weeks. I needed a cerclage to hold them in. I needed a rescue cerclage with my second. Bed rest for both starting in the second trimester. I was hospitalized and helicopter transported twice with my second. I was prepped to lose my son (nurses said a prayer and recorded his heartbeat). My kids were born at 35 and 27 weeks, respectively. My first spent 7 days in the nicu. My second spent 117 days in the nicu in a city 2.5 hours away. 
It sucked. 
I absolutely had to mourn and cope with my experiences. I had to come to terms that I won’t be pregnant again. 
I am very thankful I have my two babies. I’m thankful they are alive. I’m thankful they are thriving with no major complications. Repeating this helps when those sad thoughts come to mind (my kids are 21m and 35m).

Answer

I definitely experienced that with my first. She was born days after Covid lockdown happened so my whole birth plan was changed, I had no help at home postpartum, my husband lost his job and was struggling, our families didn’t get to meet the baby until she was months old. My husband and I originally wanted 2 children close together but because of the changes in our lives because of Covid, we couldn’t create our family the way we planned. I spent a lot of time being angry and upset that I was robbed of those first moments that I expected to experience. I think it definitely contributed to my PPD. I just had my second and the experience was also not at all what i expected since it was a high risk pregnancy and I’ve had numerous postpartum complications. Because of that we’re not having any more children. I’m saddened I won’t get a “normal” experience. But I’ve accepted it, this time is a lot easier.

Mourning?

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