Hi guys.

This may seem like an odd post for this app but I always feel that I get so much support from people here and I needed to reach out.

4 years ago my dad was really sick and needed a lung transplant. We went through hell as a family. everything about it was so hard. But we went through it and it’s been 4 years of bumpy roads. I always felt blessed to have my dad, especially after such a traumatic experience.

We just found out my dad now has liver cancer. He’s only 57 years old. It’s all over his liver and is an aggressive sarcoma. He is on hospice care and is at home. We are spending as much time with him as we can. I know life isn’t fair and I know people get dealt bad things in life, but this just seems so fucked up. My dad is such a beautiful person, was such a loving husband to my mom and was such a loving father to us. He is the strongest person I know. It breaks my heart that he doesn’t smile anymore, but I don’t blame him. He’s going through hell once again. Why does bad things happen to good ppl. How am I supposed to get through this. How am I supposed to accept this is how God will take him. How am I supposed to accept he was supposed to suffer like this? What was the point of the transplant if he was going to pass away like this? I have so many questions I feel so angry and overwhelmed. I feel scared. I feel selfish if I smile at anything.

I don’t know if you guys have heard of magical thinking ocd. But it’s when your anxiety tells you if you don’t do a certain thing or say a certain thing then something bad will happen. After his transplant I had terrible anxiety and I had magical thinking ocd. My brain would say if I don’t grab the soda on the right then something bad would happen or someone would get cancer or literally anything crazy my brain would say. My anxiety was really bad and it got worse during this. And I feel this guilt that my ocd could have caused some omen? But then I tell myself thats crazy because I pray for him everyday and love him more than life.

Everything is just weird. Life sucks right now. I don’t expect anyone to have answers about why all this is happening. But I just want to hear that im not alone.. bc it’s so fucked up.