My mom is an abusive person and after having my first baby I realized I can’t put my son through what I went through, I tried to make it work with her but ultimately cannot have a relationship at all with her anymore after she put his health at risk and tried to break up my marriage.

My stepdad met my mom when I was less than 1 year old and they’ve been together since. He ended up working for her family’s business and from my POV he was financially dependent on her and couldn’t leave, and at this point (30 years in) he’s so brainwashed that he wouldn’t leave her.

He witnessed what she did to me as a child but the stuff she did to me as an adult (like in the past few years) was only when she was alone with me. I’m sure she gives him only her side of the story.

He has never reached out to me asking to see what’s going on, he asked me once a few years ago if he could come see my son (we named my son after him) but it was after he ambushed my husband at his office and went on and on about how awful I am (to my husband who had to literally walk away).

My biological dad lives nearby and he’ll be a loving and involved grandpa to my son for a week or two and then disappear for a few weeks. He didn’t acknowledge his birthday last week and for some reason that really got to me. My stepdad didn’t acknowledge my son’s birthday either.

Lately I’ve been feeling very sad that my mom has caused my relationship with my stepdad to disappear.. he is getting older and isn’t in good health and there’s a big part of me that feels he just became a victim of circumstances. When my mom would scream or beat me he was the one to come to my room after and see if I’m ok. Never apologize for her or anything but he’d at least make sure I was physically decent.

I am pregnant and due with baby #2 in a month and maybe it’s the hormones making me more emotional but I decided to reach out and ask if he’d like to come over and see us and my son.

I haven’t heard back yet and I’m worried about his response. If he rejects me it’ll be painful, but also if we do have a meeting I’m scared he’ll try to either bring my mom or argue on her behalf the whole time. I’m pretty certain of my choice to not have a relationship with her, but him calling me selfish or lashing out at me would destroy me.

I’m not sure what I’m seeking here but felt I needed to put this out there.

Edited to add that I just feel guilty not making any effort and I want to see if he’s willing to have a relationship with me independent of my mom.