How to deal with daughter!?

Question

My 5yr old daughter's behavior is really getting a hit on me.
She would cry very badly when I talk to her about what she did wrong. She cries as if I hit her, when all I did was tell her she shouldn't be tearing up my books. 
I would have her on time out, and she'd scream very loudly, stomp on the walls, bang the walls, and cry/scream nonstop on the top of her lungs. 
However, when she's with her dad, or uncle, she behaves so well. When there comes a time they put her on timeout, she will just sit there quietly. 
Idk what to do, sometimes I lose my temper, and I would slap her hands or legs for banging the walls. But I feel really bad after spanking her like that. 
What are some advices?

Answer

You don’t hit children. That is abuse. Hitting teaches nothing. It makes you no longer safe to your child. They will fear you. You cannot lose your temper with your child. You have to learn emotional regulation. Domestic violence is not acceptable. Read some parenting books, look into therapy for emotional regulation, take some parenting classes on how to handle your child. She’s 5. She’s learning and her brain is developing. Hitting her won’t help anything. You cannot expect positive behavior if you yourself cannot model it. You can teach boundaries respectfully.

Answer

It could be because you are a safe space for her to let it out. Keep your boundaries firm. She is 5. This too shall pass but you cannot be hitting her. It’s just going to make your relationship with her worse. She may be crying bc she genuinely feels bad and embarrassed. Let her feel that, show her how to regulate and take some deep breaths, but we still have to have accountability. That goes for you too, mom. No more hitting, find other ways to regulate your temper.

Answer

If she's kicking a wall, then don't put her near a wall. Let her scream and cry in timeout if she wants to, but I would encourage you to try to help her regulate her emotions before putting her in time out. Time out will not be effective if you go and talk to her and especially hit her while she's there. Hitting her is not acceptable at any time. I think the main thing you should do is regulate your own emotions first. You are her role model for that. It is difficult to use the part of your brain that controls executive functioning (behavior, like choosing to spank) if you are overly emotional. And your child's part of the brain that controls executive functioning isn't even developed yet. That's why it's so important to model healthy ways to cope with big feelings. So first step is to regulate your own emotions first. Deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth over and over until you feel calm enough to handle the situation without lashing out. Both of you can breathe together. For your child acknowledge and name their feelings. I see that you are frustrated, I am too. Let's breathe and calm down. Once you are both calm, then you can implement timeout. Also, when you speak to her about things like tearing up books, make sure your tone of voice is kind and calm. Be firm but not angry. And instead of saying you shouldn't be tearing up books, say "we use our books for reading. I will not let you tear them up. If you tear up your books, I will take them away and put you in timeout." If she continues tearing the book up, that's when you say time out because you chose to tear up the books when I said it is not allowed. Put her in timeout, which can really just be in a certain area of the house. It doesn't have to be a very strict spot on a step or a on a wall or anything like that. For my daughter, we used her bedroom because it's all that we had available and having her on a step or a chair or a stool or in one specific area that she cannot move from did not work for us. For us it worked better to have her in her room and close the door (of course making sure that the room is safe for a child to be alone for five minutes). So you explain that you are in time out for five minutes because you were tearing up books and that is not allowed. Leave her for the five minutes. The only time you acknowledge her when she is in timeout is if she comes out, you quietly put her back in and remind her that she is in timeout for five minutes. Time starts again if she comes out. When the time is up, go get her and let her know that she was in timeout for tearing up books but that is not allowed. Ask her to say sorry. Accept her apology. Give her a hug and a kiss. 
At a time when everything is calm, talk with her about healthy ways to express negative emotions. Explain to her that its ok to have those feelings, and crying, saying you are angry, and stomping your foot on the floor is OK. But yelling at each other and hitting/kicking people or things is not OK because it hurts and you won't let her do that. Let her know that you will help her by asking her to breathe with you when she has big feelings. You may also find a method called 123 magic to be helpful. You will have to look that up and read about it for yourself.

Answer

I don't use a time out as a traditional time out when i found out it created a fit. I use time out as a calm down instead. I have an autistic son and screaming and whining are his outlets but i can't understand him verbally when he's acting like that so i ask him to sit on our bench and wait till he's done screaming or crying. I ensure it's not near anything or that there is anything to play with like time out but i don't tell him to be quiet or anything. I do this with my other kids as well. It sounds dumb but when they can tell me their age I've found that they have calmed down enough to talk. Ill do short we don't do this or that thing and then tell them go. It doesn't always stop the behavior the first time but sometimes we have to walk into the same wall several times to get the point even as an adult. Parenting isn't easy and it definitely can try your patience. I find when im less vigilante about sticking to my guns on what warrants a time out or how long they sit is when things get harder. At five testing boundaries is how they learn but if they see you lose your cool or waiver they'll push harder. Screaming and all won't hurt her and she'll learn how to calm down with time. Just keep her away from the walls and such and try again. She may need something different but trying different models will help you find what will work for the two of you. My husband gets far less push back than i do and sometimes that brothers me but i try not to let that be their problem. I hope you can find the right method for you and her. I know its hard but stay strong mommy.

Answer

We only did timeouts when they were acting out/ emotionally unregulated, they werent used really as a punishment (eg it wasnt like 'what youre yelling at me? Youre on timeout!'), it was to teach them to take a break in their rooms to gather their feelings to calm down and usually we stayed in there with them during their tantrums to show a stable source (us) and talk them through the tantrum, or I would say 'I will give you some space to work this out and come back to check on you in a couple mins'.  If they banged the walls I didnt really care, theyre trying to regulate and that gets physically expressed, as long as it doesnt hurt them or cause property damage thats ok with me. What was going on prior to ripping the book? Was she being hyper? Hungry? Trying to get your attention and if you like that book shes trying to say stop with the book and give me attention? Im not saying it to justify it, more to figure out WHY she did it and nip that in the bud as part of teaching eg 'I can see that weve been extra busy lately and maybe youve been getting less attention than usual. But if you want mommy's attention, you need to come and tell me momma I need your eyes on me, instead of ripping my book that you know I like. Im sure if I ripped something you like, like your kitty stuffy, you would be sad, and ripping my book made me sad'. Teach what to do instead when anger or difficult feelings arise. Now that my kids are a bit older I have more concrete consequences eg taking away screen time for lack of following through on what I ask of them, but at 2-5 it was more shaping, teaching, and natural consequences.

How to deal with daughter!?

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