Trigger warning- S*lf harm

Anyone go from happy just playing around and laughing then a few seconds/minutes later you’re just mad? I get so mad and just want to scream, bang my head on the wall, punch things or s*lf harm. For some reason the pain from doing those things helps my anger calm down a little. I hate feeling like this. 😩 Also love my kids but the screaming and the having to constantly get up irritates me. Then the touching and them being all on me gets me irritated too. Or if my mom tries to talk to me or just anyone I get so mad. Like leave me alone I do not want to talk. Then when I’m sad my sadness turns to anger. Or if one of my daughters do something after I said don’t and they fall “I’m just like I told you to stop.” Ahhh I hate admitting this I just uhhh I hate myself. I’ve always been prone to getting anger quickly but now that it’s been happening for years it’s just getting worse. I’ve been diagnosed a few years ago with severe depression. I don’t see a therapist anymore it’s just too much money and I don’t have insurance. So I haven’t seen a therapist in like 3 years.