I am recently 40 and just got my first ever positive test. Verizon is down so I can’t text my best friend. My sister just begged me to move to California to be near her and we were possibly looking at that so not only do I not want to tell her just yet, she also can’t be messaged due to the outage anyway. The father is in the ER and is likely going to have hernia surgery today or tomorrow (don’t worry I’m heading there shortly) so I don’t know if I should drop this on him right at this moment. So basically this is all I have right now to tell SOMEONE.

Long story short, I was with my ex husband for 20 years and when we decided to start trying it just never happened. My cycle has been very irregular since I was 19 after stopping birth control. I was diagnosed with infertility in my 30s but no cause found and I did not want to spend everything we saved to keep trying (for reference my ex had 2 kids from a previous relationship without much effort). There were some extenuating circumstances with him (withholding sex for years etc) that don’t need to be gotten too far into. We finalized our divorce in April.

In my mid thirties , I came to terms and accepted the fact that I likely would not be a mother and had accepted that and enjoyed a child free life.

Last October in the thick of the divorce, I started seeing someone I reconnected with from my childhood. Admittedly we haven’t always been the most careful as of late. I was very clear that infertility does not mean sterile and had made an appt to have a more reliable form of birth control just in case due to this….

I noticed the last week or so I had been extremely moody which is not all that abnormal in my cycle but it was very exaggerated and instead of PMS rage, I was very tearful and weepy over things. My period was late but what else is new? I go in waves from 30 days to generally 45 days and then back down so being at day 43, 2 days ago is about par for the course in where I’m at. I had cramping over the last few days and breast pain. All usual for me. On Saturday I just felt different. I took a frer test and it looked like the indent line to me at the time. I’ve been down the obsessive line analysis road for so many years in the past that I don’t allow myself to read into it. Yesterday My sternum hurt really bad and again my breasts hurt. I was crampy and still overly moody. I took another test and it was a pretty faint line. It wasn’t glaringly obvious it was positive to me (maybe because I can’t let myself think that way after years of struggling to have a baby in my 30s) but I just really felt like something was different with the test. I grabbed a few this morning in my way to work and got a definitive positive.

So here I am. 40 and freshly divorced, pregnant despite the years of sadness and struggle and then finally acceptance and happiness of a child free life and no one to tell yet because I don’t want to tell just anyone too early and the people I would tell I can’t right now.