Some days I don’t feel real. I still can’t believe I was pregnant this year and due around new years. I still can’t believe it happened all so fast. Im 24. My ex and I had been going together since 2021, our relationship got strained because of financial issues and the fact he didn’t want to work or contribute to the household. I still reluctantly slept with him though, and he lied to me to get me to sleep with him on multiple occasions. Not only that but even if he did financially contribute, I have severe emotional issues and depression I’m battling everyday. I can’t bring a child into the environment I’m in right now. At first, I wanted the baby — and I even accepted the fact I was gonna raise the baby mostly with no help and that my life was over. I looked up baby names. I remember feeling slightly excited to announce it on social media, happy to tell my family. But deep down I knew that I can’t bring a child into the situation I’m in. Deep down — I knew it was gonna be hard. I don’t have any village. I only have my mom and brother. I have no friends, none at all in fact the majority of my home town hates me and wishes I didn’t exist. I know I’m not a good person, I know my life is messed up. I started miscarrying at 4 weeks and it lasted for 4 days like a period. I knew it wasn’t a period though because I had got a positive test and it was so painful I remember screaming and crying over the toilet as I bled. It’s taken me months to finally get real with myself and realize that the miscarriage was a blessing in disguise and that I’m better off with no kids right now. I feel horrible for feeling this way that I’m glad my would be baby is dead but I am. Im not even sure if I want kids still, I’m on the fence about it but I know if I do decide to have them I want them to have the stable, financially responsible healed version of me. I have years of trauma from bullying, sexual abuse and molestation that I’m still healing from and I don’t think I’ll be able to parent a child until my late 30s if I still want it.