Silently Struggling

TW: loss

I’m not sure what has been the hardest. Miscarrying my twins one at a time after years of infertility or seeing a negative pregnancy test the first month trying to conceive after the miscarriage.

I’m afraid I won’t be able to get pregnant for a while. My doctor said I can start trying to get pregnant again. So I took my Letrozole and started tracking ovulation like I have been for the last few years.

I found out I was pregnant right before emergency surgery. The ER doctor came in and said I was pregnant. It was the most scariest/happiest moment. Scariest moment because I had to get emergency surgery. Happiest moment because after years of infertility. I was pregnant! I was in the hospital for 5 days. On day 3 I started bleeding and thought I was miscarrying, but my HCG still doubled. A few weeks later, my HCG dropped but then went back up. I was told I was having multiples and it turned into a singleton. Then a week later I lost the other twin.

I have been praying I’ll get pregnant again soon, but every time I see that single line telling me it’s negative. My heart breaks all over again. My husband has been my rock through all this, but sometime I feel so broken.

Sorry I just needed to have a little rant/vent session. I have so many emotions going on right now.