Not quite sure how I feel

Hi. I'm back with another therapy update. I know I just keep showing screenshots from my old reddit post but I honestly don't like typing all my trauma out so here it is again just for anyone who doesn't know

It's kind of an update from the better help situation. Where my better help therapist brought God into it even though I don't really believe in God and told me that if I had maybe prayed while my dad was selling me to grown adults for sex that maybe it would have stopped. That completely made me believe in God 🙄. But I tried to cancel my subscription and get a refund and betterhelp has made that hell and I'm still trying to get that refund. My wife went and found an actual therapy place that would take our insurance. The only problem was the only place that would take it only does in person right now. I really wanted a video chat therapy because I didn't like the idea of sitting in the same room as someone but I agreed to give it a try and hope it's better than my betterhelp situation. I honestly don't know how I feel about her because I met with her on Thursday. It was awkward sitting across from her. She asked me if I like the color. I found that weird because I'm 27. Not 7. But she gave me an adult coloring book that had cuss words in it for me to color while we talked and I didn't mind it. She let me take it home. We talked a little about what happened with the betterhelp therapist. That betterhelp therapist got mad because I "self diagnosed" myself which I didn't. I was just saying that I think I have PTSD but she told me that unless I've been diagnosed I don't. This therapist said she would be surprised if I DIDN'T have it and asked to run a trauma test thing on me. I think I made it halfway through the questions before I started crying and she said I definitely have it. We talked about my dad but then we also talked about my mom which I have weird feelings about. When I found my mom years later and confronted her she wanted nothing to do with me. I understand my mom was a victim of my dad's physical abuse but when I told her what he did to me she just asked what do I want her to do with that and that she has nothing to do with that and what my dad did to me is between me and him. I guess I wish she at least took me with. But she just left and started a new life. I don't know if it's fair to hold her accountable for my dad's actions too. I've always felt weird about my mom because while my mom was never abusive from what I can remember I do remember her being a very cold mother. I guess I can chalk that up to her being abused to but it does hurt that she wants nothing to do with me and turned me away when I found out and doesn't care about me or what I've been through. I feel the therapist did a lot of listening and I did feel awkward. In the end she told me that I did have a right to be protected by both my mom and dad. We have another session next Thursday. She had me do most of the talking so I'm not sure how I feel about therapy as a whole. I'm hoping as I continue to go I'll feel something but right now I'm not sure.

*** I apologize if I have made anyone uncomfortable. I never used to post on here. I originally posted on Reddit and even that was rare. My wife had this app so we could avoid pregnancy. I have never wallowed in my past. I actually used to ignore it. Only reason I posted here instead of reddit is because when I finally let everything out in that reddit post because my wife jokingly calling me a fuck boy upset I got some pretty gross comments. Most were kind but some said some awful things about me and my trauma. When I came here people encouraged me to tell my wife and give therapy a shot. However I would never want to make anyone on here uncomfortable and I will not post on here anymore. I do appreciate the support I did get and thank people on here who encouraged me to tell her and get therapy. I still don't know how I feel about this new therapist but I thank everyone because at least now my wife knows and I maybe I can heal from it without avoiding my past. I appreciate the kindness from here!