Long story but I need some advice…

So quick little back story, I’m 25 and I’ve only been in three serious relationships, I’ve “dated” when I was a kid but they were never anything serious, just childhood play “love” if you know what I mean. Anyways I lost my virginity to my first love when I was 17-ish to a man I was in a toxic, on again off again relationship with for the next 4-ish years then I took a break from dating and ended up drunkenly hooking up with two different guys (at different times), which to this day I’m not proud of because I thought I would like it but I did not like randomly hooking up with people (nothing against anyone who does it just isn’t my cup of tea, I want love not just a hook up). Anyways after that I went on dating apps for a bit and did not have a good time on there. After a while (at 24) I rekindled with an old childhood crush; we were 13 when we met. The two of us would flirt over the years but he lived so far that as kids we didn’t want to make that jump I guess but now that we were young adults we thought “why not?” And decided to give it a try… which long story short after almost a year it lead to me getting cheated on and leaving me depressed for a couple months, he was my second love. Fast forward to a couple months ago, I met this guy amazing guy who I really do love but sexually we’re just not compatible I guess. My sex drive is apparently A LOT higher than his. And it’s always been that way in all my relationships.

Which leads me to confessing in all the years I’ve been having sex… I have never once been able to finish. Which is very frustrating because I just don’t know what seems to be the problem. Like I really enjoy it but I just can’t ever seem to get there even when I’m trying by myself. I seriously don’t know what the issue is. My boyfriend and I discussed that maybe it’s because I don’t know what I like sexually. This being in my last relationships we never really did anything I liked, we would mainly do whatever it was they wanted for however long they wanted until they were tired. They would never really focus on me or try things that I wanted to do.

Now coming back to now with my boyfriend (third serious relationship) at first we’d go for a couple hours and it felt great time but I couldn’t finish which at the time I thought, it was because his parents were around and I was just uncomfortable because we were having sex in his parents house, so we’d have to be quiet and not make any noise, but now he has his own place again and we’ve been having sex there and I still just can’t get there.

Not only that and again I feel horrible for putting his business all out there but sometimes he just can’t stay hard and it makes me feel insecure because everything time I’ve had sex in the past none of the guys ever had an issue there, they all were able to without a problem but my man now sometimes can’t and I don’t know if I’m the problem?

Also (probably backtracking again but) at the beginning he said our sex drives were the same but now he’s saying that he thinks his sex drive isn’t the same as he thought it was, which no shame for because it happens, he thinks it’s because his ex would use sex against him and would only have sex when she wanted something. So he feels that because of that, that it might be different and he just has to get re-comfortable with having sex again. Which is understandable because in my first relationship my ex made me feel very uncomfortable as in he would always make comments about my boobs being too small or my pussy was “too loose” or me being too tall and that I should be lucky because he normally went for short girls so I felt uncomfortable and hella insecure for a while because I thought all guys would think that, but later learned that wasn’t true and was then comfortable again with myself. So I understand this may take sometime but I still would like a little sex here and there and until he’s either back where he used to be or at least a little more comfortable again.

Fast forward again but this time to today… it had been a week since we had sex and where that may not necessarily be a long time for some people it kind of is to me. But he’s had some stuff going on so I respectfully just ignored my sexual frustration because I just wanted to be there for him, truthfully we both had things going on and I really wanted to have sex because having sex for me is a nice stress reliever when I’m having issues but I didn’t want to make it feel like I was forcing him so like I said I just ignored it and did my best to keep myself distracted and tried my best not to make any sexual moves on him. But today he initiated it and I was more then down to have sex, though it sadly didn’t last that long but a couple hours later he left than a couple more hours later he called me to talk about some personal things which then lead to him telling me how sometimes he feels pressured to have sex with me because he knows how horny I am.

Which stung a bit when he said that because I never wanted him to ever feel pressured into having sex with me. I want him to have sex with me because he really wants to. So hearing him confess that made me sad. Not only that, but he also mentioned he felt like I’ve been mothering him a couple times and it annoyed him. Which also made me feel some kind of way because my last ex said something similar to that and I never intended on “mothering anybody” and I don’t really understand how exactly I am doing that. But if two people have said that now I must clearly be doing it…

I don’t know. I’m just full of a lot of emotions right now. Like am I overreacting about all of this? Am I being dramatic? Also I don’t really know what kind of advice I’m looking for, but I guess I’m looking someone or anyone whose ever experienced any of this and how they felt or what they did. Or maybe just any advice overall. I don’t know, this was kind of all over the place. I hope someone will either be able to help or offer some sort of guidance or advice.

But if not, I guess here’s just a random rant for y’all. Though that aside I hope everybody has a merry Christmas and a happy new year. <3