exhausted and ready to go

I’m honestly so fucking exhausted. i’m just done with life and living. i’m 17 yr old female, and it just feels like all the worst shit happens to me. i’ve been sexually abused multiple times in the past, i’ve been in abusive relationships, i’ve had a drug abuse problem, i had a absolutely horrible childhood and just when i thought things would get better and they seemed like they were, i had a miscarriage.

I have diagnosed bpd and reactive attachment disorder, which makes my day to day life a living hell. i can’t tell you how many times killing myself goes through my head a day, and i know i shouldn’t but im just tired.

Things won’t ever get better and i know they won’t, ive told myself since i was 6 years old, things get better. did they? no.

They only positive thing in my life right now is my boyfriend, he’s an absolute god send and i don’t know how i was so lucky that he fell in love with me.

I’m still bleeding very heavily as i’m still actively miscarriaging. i told my mum and she comforted me and told me not to tell anyone, then goes and tells my sister behind my back who came barging into my room telling me that im a liar and i faked being pregnant. like yes, clearly im such a great liar i know how to fake pregnancy tests and i clearly used red food dye and clumped up toilet paper to imitate the miscarriage, and yes because i didn’t sit on the toilet crying, because i was standing when it all ran down my legs multiple times, i lied. infact im such a good liar i can dye my underwear and shorts red and fake all my tears. I generally need to leave, whether i need to leave this house or life in general i don’t know.