How Do I Numb The Pain I Am In?

He claims that I haven’t forgiven him, and I wish to God I was capable to close my heart off to forgiveness, having anger and resentment build up in me so it would be easier to make myself feel better by hurting them back the way they hurt me, it’s just not in me, I refuse to allow pain or evil in this world to change my heart, I would be no better than those who did me wrong. “Did you really forgive me?” Is what he’s been repeating for a year now, almost always after I talk about the hurt he’s caused. He thinks I’m trying to defend my sister because I’m not being as harsh with her as he would like me to be, because I’ve forgiven her too easily, it’s almost like he forgot that I broke up with him after he cheated on me, when we got to my house and I was getting ready to leave he broke down crying, I was ready to leave, to stick to the #1 rule I had in relationships, to leave if someone I am with makes the decision to cheat, he’s already broken rule #2 so many times prior; never stay in a relationship If a man hits you, because we all know that if a man is capable of hitting you they’re capable of killing you, after many other rules he’s also broken, I saw him crying, comforted HIM, mind you, I’m the one who’s heartbroken, I comforted him and I stayed, I stayed, even after he told me he didn’t regret it, which he apologized for, but he’s apologized so much for things he didn’t stop doing so I question if he even meant it, even after he tried to downplay what he did after he got sick of me crying and being sad after a long few days, I stayed. You think that’s where my forgiveness stopped? No, I then proceeded to hold him down and wait for him after serving a 72 day sentence in County, listening to all the lies and false promises he made about changing his ways when he got out, only to get slapped around not even a month later, I’ve given him chances and have forgiven him more than anyone in my life so the word “forgiveness” or questioning if it’s in my heart shouldn’t even be coming out of his mouth. People take advantage of me, of my heart, INCLUDING him because they see and they know how forgiving I am and it sucks. Instead of taking advantage of my heart why not just reciprocate how I’m treating you, reciprocate the kindness, respect, and love you receive from me?

If we want to get into why I keep “bringing up the past”, let’s investigate why. For starters, the same things he was telling me after if first happened is the same things he is still telling me today, a year later. How do you expect me to move on from something that deeply wounded me when you are still invalidating my pain the same way you did after you cheated? Even when I talk about how he put his hands on me, for example he’ll go “You’re selling it like I left you with a black eye”, like, how is it you find every way possible to downplay every single thing that you do that has caused harm to either me or our relationship? Being cheated on left me with low self esteem, depression, suicidal ideation, anger, feelings of betrayal, questioning my value and worth, etc, emotions I am still struggling with because it didn’t stop with him cheating, he was downloading naked women onto his devices, talking to other women, had a whole folder dedicated to sex tapes and nudes of his ex partners, like FUCK, now that I think about it how the HELL does he not understand the pain I am in, how!? It angers me how people can hurt you in every shape or form and they just move on with their lives while telling you to get over it, accuse you of playing victim and acting “innocent” for expressing the pain you’re still in. Asking why at this point is pointless.

I have no one, barely have family, no friends, he’s all I have, all I’m asking is for him to validate the hurt he’s caused and do the work to rebuild the trust he broke, that’s it. And yes, he’s made changes, but then he’ll go back on his promises, continue going back to his bad habits, and he’ll hit me with “I didn’t lie, I just made a decision”, like huh? He’ll even get on his knees apologizing then a few days later do it again and make ME the problem for being upset, saying that I make a problem out of anything, like wtf. I’m honestly losing my sanity, my chest has been hurting all day, I feel hopelessness.

Anyways, thanks for listening.