Im at a lost and need some advice.

Hi everyone. I was hoping I could get some advice in the internet since it’s hard for me to ask for advice from my love ones right now. So here goes nothing.

I’m a 26yrs old woman who has been dating a 25 yr old guy, since I was 17yrs old. From a very young age I knew he my end game. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him. He’s patient, kind, respectful, hard worker, and very good to me. Throughout the years of our relationship, I brought up the idea of marriage. This is something that I strongly want in my life and I made it very clear from the beginning. As the years went by, my boyfriend (what felt like avoidance) kept telling that he wanted to get married too, but he just never popped the question. He said that he wanted to be the one who popped the question and that I need to wait for him to propose. At first I didn’t really think much about this because we were young and I was working on getting my bachelors degree at that time, so I was okay with that. However 1 year turned into 3, then 5, and now 8 years together. Ever since a year ago, I’ve been more insistent and I’ve brought it up more than the past years. We’ve hard arguments about and this recent fight left me feeling resentful, disappointed and really to walk away. I kept asking him why he hasn’t proposed yet his current answer was “I don’t want to ask you because if I ask you, you are going to think that I am only asking you because you told me to ask you”, “I want to do it randomly and for you to feel it’s a genuine proposal, and not because you are asking for it”. He also said that he didn’t want to propose so close to the times that I’ve brought the whole thing up because he said that I would feel like it wasn’t genuine and that he was only proposing out of pressure. And that he wanted to avoid that, otherwise I would later say that he proposed because I forced him to and I would resent him for it later down the road. I gave him an ultimatum and told him that he need to propose by our anniversary this year, other wise I was walking away.

But honestly, he might be right. I feel like I resent him already. For not proposing earlier within our 8 year relationship so far. Even after talking about it for the past 8 years. I think to myself and tell myself, that yes. I resent him already for making me wait so long, that i should have to give him an ultimatum… that if he wanted to, he would asked me already.

I can’t help it feel like that just an excuse. I’ve asked him this question before as to “why” he has my proposed yet and I’ve received multiple answers in the past like, “we are too young”, “I never really planned when I wanted to get married”, “you’re too immature”, etc.

I will admit that at this point, I’m begging for it.

The last argument ended in me giving him the ultimatum and agreeing to give him the benefit of the doubt. He told me that he didn’t want to heard me talk about the topic again and that he promised that he would propose and that I didn’t have to keep being the topic up again. Cuz otherwise he would just keep pushing the proposal further until a random day so that he didn’t feel like I was pressuring him into doing it.

I saw him two days after that argument and he went back to talking to me like nothing ever happened.

And that just didn’t feel right with me… I can’t help but feeling stuck. I love this man and I’ve waited 8 years what does 6 months will do right… but there’s also a fear that tells me that he might never ask me.

I keep going back and forth with the idea that I can just wait until the day of ultimatum and see what happens. in the meant time, try to live the best month together and see if he doesn’t propose. Best case scenario, he proposed before and we can be engaged. Worse case scenario, I walk away knowing that I have it my all.

But the doubts haunt me with either decision. If I stay and wait, I will be constantly feeling this anxiety within our relationship & best case scenario, he proposed but I fear that it will feel like a forced proposal and not a genuine desire. But if I walk away now I fear that I might be walking away from the love of my life.

So I’m at a crossroads. I’ve disappointed, sad and angry. I just can’t help feeling like I shouldn’t have to beg, and I keep asking myself “why”, why haven’t he proposed yet.

Idk any advice would be helpful if you said this long and read my post. 🥺💔