It has been a few months and I am still absolutely heartbroken… i don’t know if I want to try again or not…

I haven’t talked to my boyfriend about how I feel…because I don’t know how I feel about it yet… my boyfriend is amazing we are in a good place and he still wants to keep trying he is being very encouraging and keeps saying things like “i can’t wait to see you with our baby in your arms” and while I absolutely love him for it it breaks my heart to hear it….

I feel disgusting, I feel useless… I have lost about 50 lbs since the miscarriage ( 2.5 months ago..) (I don’t work out very much or diet or anything) I just don’t want to eat I cook all the time and I get excited to cook but I will take a bite or 2 and I don’t want to eat anymore….

so I am trying to get used to my body now…. Which I was already self conscious.. but now I feel so disgusting that I am apologizing when he sees me naked.. and I don’t even realize I am doing it.. it got to the point where he ended up sitting me down and telling me he loves me no matter how I look.. and it kinda embarrassed me because again I didn’t even realize I was doing that…

My sleep is broken up I keep waking up about every hour or so completely panicked and sweating…. Idk wtf is wrong with me I feel crazy…. I

All I wanted was for it to be healthy… and to hold it in my arms….

It was an early miscarriage so I don’t think it is as real for him as it was for me… the second I saw the test… I fell in love and couldn’t wait to tell him… he was very excited told his godparents and his best friend immediately… and then about 2 weeks later… I started miscarrying…. He is visiting his family long term right now so I had to go through this entire thing alone…. I found out I was pregnant a week after he left and he won’t be back for a few months…

I am trying to be understanding of his feelings on everything and I get that everyone deals with things differently but he acts like nothing happened….

Today i would have been 19 weeks…

Is this normal to feel like this for this long? Or at all? Am I crazy? I know I need to talk to him about how I feel and I already told him I want to hold off for a bit… what should I do? I’m a mess right now idk.. is this normal?