Is it bad that I don’t want to spend time with my boyfriend’s family?

Question

For some reason I’ve never liked spending time with my boyfriend’s family. I really couldn’t even say why but I don’t like it. We’ve been together for 3 years now and have been living together for 1 but every time they either come over or we have to go over to his moms house I just dread it. They have never been mean to me or anything like that, if anything his mom has told me she thinks of me as her daughter and she has always been fully supportive of our relationship. Just recently we got into a huge fight because I didn’t want to go with him to visit a cousin that went to visit his brother a few hours away from us, i told him I didn’t think I was needed there and that’s why I didn’t want to go but he expressed how he just likes it better when I’m there and how he wants me to spend time with his family because it’s his family. He was openly hurt and close to tears when he was explaining this to me but I didn’t really feel anything about it. I tried to explain how it’s not my family and I’m not the person they want to see but he said that it hurts him to know that I think of them as HIS family because he wants us to be together forever and that will be my family when we get married. How can I overcome this? I have no feeling towards his family at all, I am not really close to my own family so I don’t care about his either. Am I wrong to feel this way? Is this something that can be fixed?

Answer

Yeah, youre in the wrong here. They are people who care about you and your boyfriend. Even if you dont want a personal relationship with them, your bf wants you there, even if its just for his enjoyment versus his relatives'. Being in a serious relationship requires compromise and being supportive of what they want and need.

Answer

You're not wrong for feeling how you feel. I will say that whenever you're in a serious relationship with a person who is family oriented it will be important to them that you connect with their family. I would not be in a relationship with someone who couldn't connect with my family. It would be a huge deal breaker for me personally. Some people who aren't super close with their family probably wouldn't care and it wouldn't be a deal breaker for them. If you love him then compromise will be important on both sides.

Answer

i kinda have a similar situation with my bf's family but it's only because i'm very introverted and shy and his family is the complete opposite. his family is super understanding of this tho and are respectful of when i need space. but i still go with my bf from time to time to visit because i love him and understand the importance of keeping a good relationship with my future in laws.

Answer

Honestly, if my husband had been this way, I may not have married him. Thats not meant as a personal attack on you, but it wouldnt have been a good fit for me. My husband and I arent joined at the hip, but we do accompany each other on almost all family visits (if it was like weekly then maybe not). Part of merging two lives together is also becoming part of each others' families and doing things that are important to your partner even if it's not exactly what you want to be doing that day. Becoming a partner means theres less 'me me me, what I want' and more being a unit. Not every relationship is like that and some couples remain VERY independent and hardly attend each others' work or family or friend events, but thats not the kind of marriage I personally wanted. I can understand if they mistreat you, but thats not the case so in all honestly I see why it bothers him. Do you think perhaps it triggers you because youre not close to your family, and it's an in your face reminder of that? Just a theory.

Answer

Your answer in a response resonated with me. I grew up in a single mother household with a mom who worked really hard, my dad was a pathological liar and just overall a horrible person, and I was the oldest so was a second mother to my sisters. We were “close” but more as a trauma response. It’s better now we are older but all live in different states. My husband’s family is the picture of a perfect family. All very, very close. I was awkward for awhile around them but as time went on I was welcomed so much and ended up so comfortable. I literally hang out with his mom and sister alone. I talk to my SILs very often. They know all my struggles with ttc and are all amazing. We have family dinners weekly. If it’s this important to your boyfriend for you to be involved, you need to find a way to get over your feelings whether that is therapy or just sucking it up. They could potentially be your family and they seem to care about you. Especially if you decide to have children in the future as well, they’ll be your village.

Answer

I never want to be around my bf's family either

Answer

Yes you’re wrong. You need to make the effort and go with him.

Answer

Sometimes we just have to do things we don’t like in order to support our partners. I cannot stand my FIL. He hasn’t done anything wrong, I just really don’t like being around him. I still go to family dinner once a week, pour myself some wine, and listen to him drone on about nothing. I know my partner would do the same for me. Our families are important to us so we make the effort

Answer

My sister was like this, and it ultimately ended her relationship. You are building a future with him. If you plan to marry they will be your family. They do want to get to know you. It has to go both ways. Both families

Answer

I think it works both ways, but since you aren’t close with your own but he is he wants to involve you with his. 
I have no hate towards my in laws but if my husband wants to go to visit them I do go along as that what you have to do, you have make scarifies within your relationship.

Is it bad that I don’t want to spend time with my boyfriend’s family?

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