Sleeping with your man — is one of you guys an early bird and the other a night owl?? (Am i selfish for this??)

Question

Asking because my boyfriend falls asleep before me every single day. This caused problems before. When we first started dating for months, i was healing from toxic patterns with my ex. I would get mad at him falling asleep especially when i asked and he said hes awake watching a movie i put on, when his eyes were really shutting 5 seconds later. I used to try to keep him up, because i didnt feel loved. I didnt feel a proper goodnight from him. Or because we didnt have sex or i felt disconnected. And i wanted to go to sleep every night feeling 100% connected. Well i got over it, months later. I don’t try to keep him up now. Ill even give him back rubs/ scratches now until he falls asleep. I respect his sleep and his morning responsibilities (we both dont work super early)..
Well theres still this lingering feeling of me wishing it was me being rubbed and held until i fell asleep. We rarely to never argue, but Sometiems were not on the best terms because of a small disagreement and he just falls asleep. He’ll just turn his back and knock out. Meanwhile im up wishing he could just give me a solid 5 seconds of eye contact, tell me he loves me, and then sleep. Am i asking for too much? Am i selfish? Yes ive brought this up in the past, and hes said he needs his sleep, and he refuses to stay up with me. Its not even that hes sleeping its just that i dont feel that strong connection right before bed like i want to to be able to peacefully sleep. Besides this we have a pretty good relationship, not perfect but i love him. Just dont know what to do here. Is he even the right man for me? Sitting up late writing this as hes snoring. It feels like im in a whole different world that hes never been apart of
Oh and can you tell i have an anxious attatchment? Healing though. Getting better and headed towards secure. I believe hes a bit avoidant mix attatchment too.

Answer

These kind of posts always come off so annoying and controlling to me when I read them. You’re willing to end a relationship due to different sleep needs? My husband has worked third shift for years. I can’t imagine considering leaving him due to differing sleep schedules. He’s allowed to set whatever sleep schedule he wants without your approval. I’ve always liked to stay up later than my husband even when we worked the same schedules. It was never an issue because that was my choice of when I go to bed or not. You’re his significant other not a parent setting his bedtime for him. If you want time to connect more, bring it up to him and schedule that during the day time or a time you can compromise on instead of trying to set a grown man’s bedtime for him.

Answer

I wouldn’t say your selfish, you have things you are aware you need to heal from / work on. You can’t really force someone to stay awake if they’re tired. Me & my SO work opposite shifts - I’m days & he’s nights so we never really go to bed together. There are some days we actually don’t see each other at all. Try to appreciate the time you have with him, it could be a lot worse.

Answer

I always fall asleep before my boyfriend. I can’t help it when we watch a movie. I usually fall asleep on the couch and he has to wake me up like 4 times to get me to go to bed. Maybe he can’t help it.

Answer

I used to be the night owl before we lived together many years go, but once we came together we are on the same sleeping and waking schedule no matter what our schedule is.

Answer

I used to fall asleep by 7pm every night — like it’d be a struggle to keep my eyes open. Does he fall asleep around the same time? If he does try to get your “connection” before his bedtime.

Answer

Some people are just early sleepers so dont hold that against him. I had to have a talk with my bf because he was always wanting me to stay up with him and it was really messing up my whole routine (I dont feel productive if I'm not awake by at least 8am with 8 hours of sleep). I think you've just got to ask him to say a proper goodnight and I love you to you before he passes out, but don't hold it against him or take it personally that he wants to go to bed early.

Answer

I used to feel like this . The difference was my man got up at 5am and built houses all day so he was exhausted at night. I felt very lonely and I loved. Granted I was also only 21-22 so I was also immature. The man was tired lol! What time is all this happening? If it’s like 10 or after then I’d be sleeping too, I need my rest. But he’s passing out at 7-8 pm maybe try moving cuddle time to the couch and not the bedroom. He probably feels really safe and comfortable with you hence falling asleep.

Sleeping with your man — is one of you guys an early bird and the other a night owl?? (Am i selfish for this??)

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